Cereal Misdirection
I bought this box of cereal that said inside you a ring that let you talk to angels.
The cereal flavor seemed enticing enough to take the risk on the angelic communication ring.
My first surprise was how utterly delicious the cereal was.
Every bite was like an explosion of flavor, a perfect combination of texture and crunch.
And while I read the interesting history of the angelic ring on the back of the box, taking my sweet time, since I believe that this is very, very interesting, the cereal didn’t even get soggy.
But then when I saw the ring, I was doubly surprised.
Unexpectedly Heavy
It was heavy, and gold colored.
Of course, it wasn’t real gold, it was most likely copper, and even though copper is really cheap these days, I was expecting a plastic toy.
But instead I got this very, very heavy ring.
But when I put it on, I didn’t or hear angels.
I thought maybe I’d gotten ripped off, until I went down to the mall.
Mind Reading
Then could hear what everybody was thinking.
My mind was spinning with all the ways I could use this.
How I might leverage this for sex.
How I might leverage this for money.
How I might leverage this for unimaginable power and authority over mankind.
Psychic Love Books
Once I wandered into this psychic book store for the first time.
After I spent some time wandering around, the lady who worked there, who also owned the place, told me everything was sold on commission.
Anybody could print out a book they’d written, fill out a bunch of tax forms, and sell their book.
I saw one for fifty bucks.
I flipped through it and it had a guaranteed love spell.
First, you have to have a target in mind.
Then you have to get to know them, as least remember their name, and they remember your name.
Oil Calibration
Then you need to calibrate two different mixes of essential oils.
One for you, and one for them.
Then you need memorize this long chant, that’s in Latin.
You can’t read it, you have to memorize it.
Then with your eyes closed, you have to chant the spell while sniffing each mix of essential oils, one in each nostril.
Angel Lady
I went to a seminar a long time ago about angels.
They lady said that angles are watching us, and we all do have a guardian angel.
But most contact with your angels is only through your subconscious.
Meaning only if you go down deep enough, if you pay attention, to what is happening, now, in you’re unconscious, mind, can you listen to these words coming from your angel.
But you can raise that up to the conscious level.
You can see your angel.
You can communicate with your angel.
Your angel can literally be next to you, telling you what to do, even what to say.
Long Road To Angels
But this requires an absolute sacrifice that most humans cannot even fathom.
She said this requires you forego all earthly pleasures.
That you immediately stop having sex, and even stop masturbating, and remain absolutely chaste.
That you do not consume any food, ever, for pleasure.
That you may only eat 2000 calories a day of food calibrated only for it’s nutritional value.
That you use your entire brainpower for helping others, and for quite contemplation.
No consuming of fiction, not even random time killing conversations with friends.
No chasing of wealth, or fame, or power.
Repeatable Process
But she said that if you do manage to keep this up, for a few months, your angel will appear.
And that being in direct communication with your angel is a pleasure that absolutely cannot be matched by anything you can find on Earth.
No amount of food, no amount of sex, no amount of drugs, or power, or wealth, or authority, can come close to the absolute bliss of being in direct contact with your guardian angel.
But she said the real secret is your guardian angel is really you.
But the pure, spiritual you, devoid of all your inhibitions and bad habits.
And that we, or you, created the now you, to need to struggle to experience the spiritual you.
And that we will continue to repeat this physical life, as many times as we need, to finally find our original spiritual selves.
Love Chant
Once you memorize the chant, and blend the two oils through each nostril, everything will mix together.
And they will start to feel a deep need for romantic love.
That deep longing you feel after watching a fantastic romantic movie.
That deep longing to find this person, so that this person will fulfill yoru deep romantic longing.
And the next time they see you, they will believe that only you can satisfy such a deep and ancient longing.
Because it was fifty bucks, I told her I’d come back.
Dude, What Happened?
But when I came back the next day, I, nor her, could find the book.
Not only did she not have a record of the sale, but she didn’t have any of the tax forms you’re supposed to fill out when you leave a book in there for sale.
So either that book slipped in, and out, under the radar, or both I, and she, hallucinated this.
I Will Rule All
The more I walked around the mall, the more I built plants for wealth and fame.
I could read people’s minds and seduce them.
I could read people’s minds and manipulate them.
I could read people’s minds and see what they were desperate for, and provide it to them, but only if they promised me their undying loyalty.
But then I realized this was not an angel ring.
This was the opposite.
That just beyond the shallow veil of mind reading was infinite horror and the utter destruction of my soul.
Exit Strategy Required
I immediately took off this ring, and went down to the pier and threw it in the ocean.
And when I got home, I was thinking that maybe I’d at least have some good cereal.
But when I looked inside the box, it was filled with maggots.
And a single eye staring up at me with more hatred than I’d ever imagined possible.
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