Secrets Of Frame Control
Frame control is a very common idea. Peruse any blog on pick-up or seduction and guys complain they “lost the frame.” Many times they’ll admit to losing the frame, and they want to know how to get it back. In this article, we will show you what frame means, and how to strengthen yours so you never lose it with anybody.
It’s been said that if your frame is strong enough, people will follow you to the ends of the Earth. Cult leaders are known for having incredibly strong frames. So are expert salespeople and very charismatic politicians. But what the heck IS a frame? And more importantly, how can you get a stronger frame so you can have a much easier time getting others to do what you want, for reasons THEY want to?
What A Frame Is Not
Check out that last sentence up above. Do things you want for reasons THEY want to. This is absolutely essential. If you walk into a bank and wave a gun around, people will give you money. Does this you have a strong frame? Maybe, but it’s on very shaky ground. As soon as the cops show up, THEY will have a much stronger frame. Let’s make the distinction then that a frame is something you have that doesn’t require coercion. Because like Newton’s Second law, any applied coercion will invite a response, that’s not what we are after.
What Is A Frame?
To start, let’s define the frame as the meaning of the interaction. This sounds good, but it’s not that helpful. One person stops another person on the street, and asks for the time. The second person complies. What is the meaning of this interaction? The first may think it means he has convinced the other guy to give him the time. The second guy might think it means he’s helping somebody out. Two different meanings for the same exchange. Does either of the guy walking about think, “Wow, I really held the frame with that pansy!” Probably not.
Frame Is Intention Based
Whenever humans interact, it is for a reason. Unless you close your eyes and walk around until you bump into people, just for the experience, every single action you take has a specific intention behind it. Even walking around with a blindfold is done to have an experience, so that was bad example! When you shift in your seat, your intention is to maintain your position while increasing your comfort and decreasing your discomfort. When you walk into a fast food place, you have the intention of getting something to eat.
Subconscious vs. Conscious Intentions
Most of the time, our intentions are partially conscious and partially unconscious, or automatic. When you wake up in the middle of the night to use the toilet, your subconscious woke you up, but you’ve got to use your conscious brain to fumble around to find the light switch. If you play sports and you are skilled, the best experiences are when your conscious brain shuts off and you “flow” without thinking. When you’re on a date and your “clicking” you talk without thinking or planning. The words flow. But your intentions is still there. In sports it’s to win. On a date it’s to enjoy the experience and to further the relationship.
Conscious Intentions vs. Wishes
Sometimes we have conscious intentions, but they are not strong. We go out to meet people, but we don’t have a solid plan of getting five numbers. We plan to go places where there are a lot of people, and we hope we meet somebody interesting, but if we go home without any numbers, we can still claim to have had a good time. This is the benefit of having a wish vs. a solid intention. With wishes, we can hope for the best, but still enjoy ourselves if nothing happens. If you made a rock solid plan to collect five numbers, and you only got one, you may feel like a failure, or at the very least had a less enjoyable evening.
Preset Intentions vs. Evolving Intentions
Sometimes we start off hoping for the best, but as our plans evolve, we start to see some good opportunities. Based on these opportunities, we make solid plans and follow through on those plans. For example, you may have gone to a sports bar with your friends to watch the game. While you were there, you saw a group of cute girls, and one of them was making positive eye contact with you. Based on that new information, you created the intention, on the spot, to approach her.
Conditional Intentions
You may have an intention, but it only holds if certain things happen. Your friend calls you and tells you there is a party you should go to. You tell him you only want to go if a certain person is already there. You might have an intention to see a movie, but only if you decide there is something worth seeing when you get there.
Meta Frames
These are frames that exist inside of other frames. In the last example, you may decide to see a movie if there is something interesting playing, but if there isn’t you’ll go to one of the clubs nearby. On the smaller scale, your frame or intention is flexible. But on the larger scale, your frame is pretty set. You are going to a specific location, and you are going to enjoy your night off from work. The meta frame of enjoying your night off is strong, while your smaller frame of seeing the movie is weak and is completely dependent on what movies are actually playing.
Time Frames
Some frames are only food for a few hours. I’m going to get something for lunch, I’ll be back at two. Some frames are for several years. I’m going to get my degree in chemistry. Some frames are good for more than a decade. I promise to stick with you until this child of ours is capable of living on his own. Some short term frames, like getting lunch, are very strong. Many long term frames, like getting a degree or maintaining a marriage, are not as strong.
Frame Strength Variables
Now we’re ready to use some ideas to define the idea of frame strength. Let’s take a hypothetical case of somebody with an absolutely strong frame. But since he doesn’t know magic, he can’t bend reality to his will. He has to stop for red lights, and pull over if the police pull up behind him. So even with his super strong frame, he’s got to work within other frames. Let’s say he’s a salesperson, and he’s selling memberships to some website. His frame is so strong, he sells a membership to everybody he talks to. Even if people don’t think they need the service, he makes it sound so compelling they decide to buy.
Play By Play Frame Battle
Every sale can be described like this. He sees a person a few feet away. They see him. He has the intention that the conversation (that he’ll begin in a few seconds) will end up with him selling a membership. That is the meaning of that conversation, according to him. The other person sees him, and sees him walking closer. Their frame might be to see what this guy wants.
They Start Talking
He maintains his frame of selling a website membership. The other person shifts in their frame to finding out what other person wants, to finding out about the web membership. At first, they tell themselves they won’t buy, because it doesn’t sound like something they are interested in. But the more he explains the website and all its benefits, it starts to sound more compelling. The listener’s frame shifts from “finding out about the membership” to “getting specific information about pricing and plans.” Then maybe a couple minutes later, they shift to “finding out about payment options.”
Meanwhile, our hero is holding fast to his frame. His meta frame is of selling them a membership. He uses many sub-frames to support his meta frame. But his meta frame is incredibly strong. Eventually, he wins out and the person buys the membership.
The Million Dollar Question
When the buyer walks away, what are they thinking? “Wow, that guy just sold me something I don’t need and I’ll never use.”? Probably not. They are glad they made the purchase. This is the vital component of having a powerful frame. It has to be one that people enjoy going into. They enjoy the process of slowly being pulled in. This is why cult leaders are so compelling. This is why politicians keep getting elected over and over. This is why some people can sell dirt to farmers. People love being in their frame.
Strong Frame Requirements
A strong frame requires a strong intention. Strong intentions are not made up on the spot, they are created ahead of time. They required the flexibility of many sub frames leading to your main outcome. A strong frame needs to be demonstrated. The stronger the frame, the more it can withstand. A salesperson with an average frame strength will only make sales to people with weaker frame strength. People that hold their frame of “I’m only finding out about prices” more strongly than the salesperson holds the frame of “I’m going to sell this person something” don’t end up buying anything.
Self Deception
One of our greatest strengths as humans is our capability to deceive ourselves. For example, let’s say you went to a club and your intention was to get laid. But you only got as far as getting a kiss. But to protect your ego, you redefine your original frame as only “meeting somebody.” One key component of maintaining a strong frame is not doing this.
Frame Strength As A Skill
If you went to an arm wrestling tournament, and lost in the first round, what you conclude? Would you got on an arm wrestling forum and ask why you “lost the arm wrestling frame?” No, that would be silly. You would realize that your arm was not as strong as the other guy’s arm. You would resolve to go to the gym, and do some exercises until your strength had improved. How would you know? You might guess by how much you could curl or press. But the only way to know for sure would be to enter another arm wrestling tournament, and hopefully match up against that same guy again.
Consider Frame Strength As Muscle Strength
Many people assume that because the strength of your frame is largely a mental idea, it’s not something that needs to be strengthened like your muscle. We meet some people, and hold the frame, and that’s that. We meet others, lose the frame, and that’s that. These are big mistakes. They are mistakes because you can strengthen your frame just as easily and predictably as you can strengthen your muscles or any other physical skills.
Frame Strengthening Exercises
Consider looking through this list the same way you would walk into a gym for the first time. You’d look around, see all the equipment, and realize it may take some time just to figure out which machines are best. Once you did take the time to figure out which machines are best, then it just be a matter of getting in there three or four times a week and doing the work. If you were committed to that, you would get stronger, lose fat, and get into shape.
Consider these the same way. Read through these, think about them, try them out. Choose a couple that work for you, and then do them as regularly as you would workout at the gym. This is the real secret of frame control. Not a secret way to maintain frame control, but that it is a skill that can be slowly increased over time. While it may be disappointing (you may have been expecting a magic trick to quickly and forever boost your frame strength – sorry!), in the long run you will dominate. With patience, you will slowly develop such a powerfully strong frame you will soon be like those cult leaders and politicians, able to mesmerize crowds and woo women. (Or just make shitton of money in sales!)
One – Withholding F Bombs
If you are prone to curse, especially around certain people, practice refraining from doing so. Anybody can avoid dropping f-bombs during a job interview or a valedictorian speech, but few people ever consciously make an effort to avoid f-bombs when hanging out with friends. Choose one hour, and purposely do not use any swear words. Don’t tell anybody you are doing this and don’t avoid talking. Talk as much as you normally do, just don’t curse. Bonus points if there is alcohol involved.
Two – Stick To A Shopping List
Most people acknowledge getting out-framed by other people, but few people will admit to getting out-framed by the supermarket. Yet that’s happens every time we go shopping. You might stroll in to buy a couple stalks of celery and walk out with a sack full of junk food. Your intention to buy something healthy was hijacked by how they laid out the goods in the store. Consider practicing Frame Control in the supermarket. Take a few minutes before you go in, visualize what you are going to buy, and only buy that. Use a list if you need to, but refuse to be out-framed by a bag of chips ever again.
Three – Go To Sleep On Time
This is another area where people are out-framed not by other people but by their surroundings. You may have an intention to be in bed by eleven, but it’s midnight and you’re still telling yourself ten more minutes. Set a time to be in bed by, and stick to it. This is difficult for a lot of people. But your ability to set a short term goal in mind, and stick to it, will give you much stronger frame control powers.
Four – Exercise Every Day
This is something that you should do for plenty of reasons. But being able to stick to a schedule for your own reasons will build up your frame holding powers. Make a commitment to do something, every single day, even if it’s one pushup and one sit-up. This sounds like a silly exercise for frame control, but when you get down to it, there’s you and your frame, and the world. Every time you change your frame because of what happens in the world, your frame skills weaken. Every time you hold to an intention no matter what happens out in the world, you increase your frame skills.
Five – Have Solid Life Goals
Just having a set of life goals that are important to you will do wonders for your frame skills. Most people don’t have goals other than increasing pleasure or decreasing pain, however those opportunities present themselves. But when you have solid, well defined goals in as many areas of life as you can (relationship, money, career, health, spiritual, etc.) all the trivial stuff will seem unimportant by comparison. Paradoxically, this will help you be more outcome independent in those day to day interactions, which will strengthen your day to day frame.
Give yourself plenty of time, and rewrite your goals as needed. But having at least three or four well formed goals always in mind will do wonders for all areas of your life.
Six – Be Social and Keep Score
This isn’t to improve your social skills, but it’s a good way to connect the idea of frame control to interacting with others, which is ultimately where having strong frame skills will be most useful. Start with something simple like eye contact. Decide to hold eye contact with one person per day. No matter what, each and every day, find somebody and look them in the eye until they look away first. See this as necessary as daily physical exercise. Record your success however you can. Put an X on your calendar, or otherwise keep score of your daily success. The ultimate goal is to be able to hold eye contact with any human and wait until they break it first. When you can do this, you will have a very impressive and attractive frame.
Seven – Make People Smile
You want to have a strong frame that others want to be in. That others will gladly ditch their own frame in exchange for being in yours. This is the goal of all sales, seduction and persuasion. To get started along that path, develop the ability to make people smile, however you can. This is proof that people are better off because of you. Before, when they presumably weren’t smiling, they weren’t as happy as when they interacted with you, which made them smile. Consider a goal of making one person smile each day, whoever it is and however it works.
Eight – Take an Acting Class
This is for advanced practitioners, but it will develop extraordinary frame skills. After all, what is acting except pretending to be somebody else, and making that as believable as possible? Since acting well and holding a strong frame go hand in hand, joining an acting class will expose you to TONS of exercise, which are meant for actors, but are equally helpful in developing strong frame skills.
Nine – Practice Tai Chi In Public
This takes a lot of guts, especially if you are doing it alone. Anybody can do it with a group! Learn a few moves from some YouTube videos, and then go down to the park, by yourself, when there are plenty of people there. Find a spot smack dab in the middle, and go through your routines. At first it will feel pretty uncomfortable. But when you can get to the point where you are only focusing on your movements, and you don’t care that people may be watching, you’ve got a pretty strong frame.
Ten – Set Intentions Before Every Conversation – And Keep Score
Before as many conversations as you can, set a specific intention. If you are going to a meeting, set the intention of sharing two opinions and getting two specific action items, for example. Before calling your friend, set a clear intention for the outcome. Keep score, meaning at the end of the conversation, mark it as a Win or a Loss. Forcing yourself to keep track of your conversational win-loss record will motivate you to improve. Keep your record above .500, and keep setting higher and higher intentions. Pretty soon you’ll see a complete stranger, and be able to get a number or a sale or whatever else you want out of the conversation.
More Frame Control Secrets
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