You may find yourself in a “relationship” with a pretty nice girl.
Maybe you’ve been “dating” for a couple of weeks. The sex is good, the “other stuff” is good, and you’re pretty satisfied.
Maybe you talk to her a couple times a week, and maybe you’re starting to talk to random girls less and less.
Then she comes out with the question:
“Where are we going with this?”
“Are we in a relationship?”
“Are we boyfriend – girlfriend”?
Now, if what’s you want, then no problems.
But what if you want to take it slow? What if you like her, but you don’t exactly want to get into an exclusive relationship just yet? After all, once you’re “officially” boyfriend and girlfriend, there are going to be more expectations.
Instead of calling to ask her out on Saturday night, for example, it’s going to be expected. And pretty soon, you’ll be asking her permission to hang out with the “boys.”
Now, if that’s what you want, and plenty of guys do, then you’re on the right track.
But if you want to take it slow, you’ve got to be careful. Anything you say may ruin a good thing.
So you’ve got to do what professionals refer to as “preserving present positives.”
What does that mean? Let’s change topics real quick. Let’s say you smoke, and you want to quit. So you go see a therapist, or a hypnotist, or a counselor.
Naturally, you smoke for a reason. You get something out of it. And unless you figure out what that is, and figure out a way to get it without smoking, it’s going to be hard to quit. Maybe it’s a way to relax. Maybe it’s away to relieve stress. Unless you first address the “present positives” of smoking, it’s going to be very hard to quit.
So you’ve got to figure out the “present positives” of your “relationship” before it changes.
Sometimes a girl asks those questions (are we a “couple”) not because she has figured out you two are right for each other, but because she’s starting to feel fear of losing you.
So, what do you do?
First of all, don’t dodge the question. Remember, you don’t want to make her think you’re just playing her.
Say something vague, like, “Yea, you’re right. We should talk about that.”
First find out what she wants, then acknowledge it without agreeing or disagreeing.
Like if she says, “I want a relationship.” Just say something like, “OK. I understand that you want a relationship.”
Then ask her about her higher level criteria.
“What’s important to you about having a relationship?”
Then she’ll say a bunch of stuff.
Then ask her what’s important about “that.”
The aim here is to get her “higher level” criteria until you get away from words like “commitment,” etc.
You’re not trying to play her or game her, you’re just trying to figure out what she wants, figure out how to give it to her, so you can continue to enjoy the relationship, WITHOUT labeling it as an “exclusive relationship.”
That way, you’ll both be happy, and you won’t feel “trapped.”