You’ll Never Guess The Winner
There is this small town in the Midwest that has a yearly pickling contest.
It’s somewhat similar to the yearly garlic festival they have in Gilroy.
Where you can famously buy all kinds of otherwise normal carnival food, but it’s made with garlic.
Garlic chewing gum, garlic ice cream, garlic cotton candy, etc.
Similarly, they have all kinds of strange entries into the yearly pickling contest.
The only requirement is you can eat it, and sell small samples of it to the crowd, so they can vote, along with the judges, on the yearly winner.
Need Money Fast
Once there was a town that was losing tax revenue very, very quickly.
This, of course, meant there was less money to pay the cops, which meant more crime, which meant businesses would leave, which would mean less tax revenue.
They had a last ditch effort, hail Mary city council meeting and tried to come up with any kind of gimmick that might attract tourists.
They decided to eliminate punctuation altogether.
No punctuation allowed in speech, on food menus, on any signs or anywhere.
Bait and Switch?
I went to this really weird hat shop a while ago.
The lady who owns it sells hats that allegedly give you plenty of psychic powers.
Each hat has to be matched perfectly to your own psychic profile.
So she spends and hour reading your aura, your past your deep ideas that you haven’t shared with anybody.
She is uncannily accurate, and once she finishes, she offers you the hat that will make you psychic, give you both telekinetic and telepathic powers.
Troubling Discovery
I saw a lecture by a guy who was head of the department of linguistics for a very large and respected university.
He said that he’d made a very recent, and very troubling discover by going over some very old documents from the middle ages.
It turns out that when they created the printing press, they had to have a meeting to determine the rules of English.
Before that, writing would be based on local rules.
And the one missing ingredient they used to stitch all the individual dialects together was the past particle.
Inorganic Speech
Up until this point, they always thought the past participle was simply an organic part of language.
But it turns out that before the printing press was invented, English didn’t have a past participle.
Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal.
Merely an intriguing aspect of the evolution of the English language.
But during the middle ages, when the past participle as introduced into the English language, it was borrowed from the French.
Long Lasting RamificationsBrain Ramifications
Since are memories are based on language, and the past participle has become a corner stone of most memories, a sudden removal of the past participle would immediately change all your memories.
Even though they are planning for this, critics expect this to be a mass amnesia event.
It’s believed this is being leveraged to erase all debt, but public and private.
So if you wake up one morning, you don’t remember who you are, what you’ve done, who the people are who you’re sharing your house with, it’s because during the night the past participle has been removed from your brain.
No Way I’m Wearing That
The only problem is once she presents the hat that would allegedly give you psychic powers, it’s so ugly nobody would be caught wearing it.
So the conclusion is she is an extremely powerful cold reader, who promises you massive powers of telepathy and telekinesis, but only if you wear a hat so ugly it would make you a social outcast.
The plan did work, but not after a few unexpected bugs had to be ironed out.
For example, if you went into a restaurant and asked about the specials, the waitress would go on and on for hours, since she wasn’t allowed to use any punctuation.
But eventually they put a time limit on all speaking.
So now people are only allowed to have conversations where they have to chess tournament timers.
Pickled Toast
The winner was a pickled grilled cheese.
You wouldn’t think that would taste very good, but the toasted bread help up pretty well in the pickling contest.
Runners up included pickled popcorn, pickled cotton candy, and pickled cheeseburgers.
Some of the contestants got pretty creative.
Heads and Eyeballs
They made candied body parts, like eyeballs, hands, babies and entire heads.
So it looks like some dude’s got somebody’s head in jar, but then he takes it out and cuts into pieces that people eat.
Or they have large jars filled with what looks like pickled eyeballs.
Then they take them out, put them on a toothpick and sell them to you for a quarter.
They even have different flavors based on eye color.
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