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When Did You Stop Beating Your Wife?

July 4, 2013 By George Hutton Last update: April 12, 2018

Linguistic Presuppositions

My Power

There’s a powerful set of language patterns called presuppositions.

You can use these to imply some incredible things about you or your product or your idea, that makes it sound compelling to your listener or reader.

But these can also be used destructively, and in fact this is how most people use them.

A lot of people, when starting to study NLP, notice that many of these “patterns” are actually parts of everyday speech.

Indeed they are.

However, most of use them without much thought, which means not only are they incongruent, but sometimes they are destructive.

Consider this question:

“When did you stop beating your wife?”

It implies there was a time where you DID beat your wife.

Now, supposing you were having a conversation with a few people at a party, and somebody wanted to make you look bad.

Instead of just blurting out, “Hey! This guy beats his wife!”

They ask that question. They can even ask it as if they are trying to be friendly, and help you.

But everybody that hears the question, especially if it comes by somebody who appears as if they are trying to help you, will immediately assume that you used to beat your wife.

And once they assume this, like it or not, they’re never going to look at you the same way.

Can you see how insidious these patterns can be if used destructively?

How can you possibly confront them?

The first thing is to not get angry. Even though you’ve just been insulted in a big way, responding angrily will only confirm the suspicions of those around you.

(Naturally, this can be used for many other “assertions” than wife-beating)

The best way to deal with these kind of subtle insults is to calmly “outframe” them, and use the “Meta Model” to put it right back on the person who asked the question.

What they are hoping for is this:

They: When did you stop beating your wife?

You: That’s absurd! How dare you!

Everybody else: Wow, that guy must have really beat his wife.

What you give them instead is this:

They: When did you stop beating your wife?

You: (smiling, curious): That’s interesting. Why do you think I used to beat my wife?

Everybody else: (looking at the questioner): Hmm, why DID he say that?

This calmly and easily puts the spotlight squarely back on the questioner, where they’ll squirm away.

The basic structure is like this:

Think of the implied “assertion,” and calm ask the person why they think that it’s true, as if you’re very curious to hear their answer.

This is usually enough to chase them away.

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Filed Under: Meaning, NLP, Presuppositions Tagged With: Frame, Meta Model, Out Frame

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