DIY Man
I knew this guy who wanted a swimming pool.
But he didn’t want to pay for the whole deal, as it would cost to much in terms of construction, insurance, getting licenses and what not from the city.
So he decided to build his own.
His wife suggested they get one of those above ground pools, but he didn’t like that idea.
I Like Digging
So he decided to dig a big hole in his backyard, but dig it so an above ground pool would fit in it.
He liked this idea so much he got up early the first Saturday he started digging.
And he felt really good while he was digging.
So good that he kept digging deeper and deeper.
He even set up an automatic pulley system to take our the dirt, bucket by bucket.
Egg Driven Insanity
I have a friend that started raising chickens as a hobby.
He ate a lot of eggs and his friends had always teased him that he should become an egg farmer.
And so he bought a few egg chickens and started raising them for the chickens.
And he got really into it.
He wanted to reach a break even point, where the eggs he raised would cost less, per egg, than the ones he could buy at the supermarket.
Must. Break. Even.
For a while, he was focused only on his break even egg point.
But when he crossed it, he really got into it.
The more chickens he got, the cheaper the cost per eggs were.
He started setting unreasonable targets, at least according to his friends.
Pretty soon his friends were thinking of having him involuntarily committed.
His consistently lowering price per egg was becoming an unattainable white whale.
Must. Increase. Efficiency.
All he did was calculate every possible cost savings for these eggs.
And he was starting to get many more eggs than he could eat.
I have this friend that trains raccoons.
I don’t know where he gets them.
But he says they are easiest to train when they are babies.
Sketchy Source
So he either buys baby raccoons on the black market, he kidnaps them from the wild.
But he’s got a couple dozen very well trained raccoons.
My friend is one of those guys who slipped and feel deeply down the conspiracy theory rabbit hole.
He started reading a few prepper blogs.
Something Big Is Coming
Then he found a bunch of prepper videos and pretty soon he developed a false FOMO belief that everybody was prepared for the coming apocalypse except for him.
So he bought a large, deep freezer.
His plan was to shop during the off hours at his local supermarket.
To buy a little bit extra each week, and keep it in his deep freezer.
But he was also worried that if people saw him at the supermarket, and saw him buying more than he usually bought, they might think he was up to something.
Then they might realize that there is an apocalypse coming and they would buy all the spam before he did.
Need. More. Spam.
This guys brain was obviously spinning around in some very, very strange circles.
The night before his deep freezer was going to be delivered, he was excited.
Excited like a kid the night before Christmas when he was expecting a new bicycle from Santa Clause.
This caused him to have some strange dreams.
And these strange dreams interfered with his prepping plans.
And when he woke up, he reformulated his plans.
Reverse Engineered Memory
He wasn’t going to buy spam, he wasn’t even going to buy meat.
He filled his entire deep freezer up with fresh, uncooked eggs.
Now he’s reverse engineered his conspiracy theory via hindsight bias so now he believes there is going to be an egg apocalypse.
And when everybody is dying of eggs, he’s going to sell his eggs and become a billionaire.
Where’d All These Raccoons Come From?
Sometimes he uses them to steal from stores, but so far, the biggest caper he’s pulled off is robbing a bank.
A bunch of raccoons run in, create a ruckus, and they while half of them are running around people’s peoples pants down, the other half are running into the vault and grabbing handfuls of money.
They are all trained to go their separate ways once they get outside, and reconvene at his house later.
Since they can’t drive, and can’t carry more than few bills, they, on average, only get a few thousand per robbery.
But it’s enough to keep the scam going.
Who’s In My Chickens?
One night he woke up and heard some noise in his chicken coop.
There were three kids in there, dressed like clowns, juggling his eggs.
At first he was a bit discombobulated.
But then he saw they were recording themselves.
God Damn Kids!
And he surmised, based on their recording equipment, that they were making a TikTok video.
This enraged him.
He got his shotgun, killed them and buried them behind his chicken coop.
Luckily, he made them put the eggs back before shooting so it didn’t adversely affect his cost per egg.
The whole ordeal, however, may have caused an adverse effect on his chickens, which may upset the carefully calibrated cost per egg system.
Must. Keep. Digging.
He kept digging and digging until his wife finally made him quit.
He still put the pool in but the whole is way too deep.
The pool is only 4 feet deep all around.
But the whole is about 87 feet deep.
It took him a few days to fill the hole up with water.
Now it looks like he’s got a permanent mud puddle in his back yard.
A perfectly round mud puddle that is 87 feet deep.
He’s trying to find something like an octopus or gigantic squid to live in there but so far he can only find salt water octopi.
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