Way Easier Than You Think
So there you are. Hanging out with your buddies, at the bar, at the club, or even in the hallway at school. And you see a girl that you would love to get to know. You start to imagine what it would be like if you were together. If she were to look at you in that way, that means she likes you as much as you like her.
Maybe you just want to get her number. Maybe you see her on a regular basis, you make eye contact but you never say anything. Maybe all you want to do is just talk to her to see what kind of a girl she really is. This is one the great paradoxes of life. Sometimes what we want so much is the thing that is the hardest to get.
This is going to be a fairly long, in-depth post. But it will contain all the information you need to talk to girls. Not walk up and blurt out something silly so you can run away with your tail between your legs. But you’ll be able to walk up, say something easy and natural. Something she’ll respond to. Further, you’ll learn about an incredibly simple communication style that will make her light up like a Christmas tree when she sees you.
In order to get there, you’ve got to be patient enough to read this post, and think about the ideas presented. And you’ve got to be willing to practice them. They are not difficult, quite the opposite. They are very easy. Many guys make things WAY more complicated than they need to be. You’ll find out that being able to talk to girls is very, very easy.
One thing that you’ll find is that many girls are pretty boring, once you get past their looks. Unfortunately, since most guys go about things the wrong way, this “trains” pretty girls that all they need to do is stand there, look pretty, and let guys do all the work.
You Will Be Different
But you will do the opposite of what most guys do. And it will have the opposite effect. You will learn to talk to girls in a way that is not only easy and virtually rejection proof, but it will make girls DESPERATE to keep talking to you. This is a communication strategy that is incredibly simple, yet it is rarely used. This will give you a unique problem, one that most guys would LOVE to have.
Too Many Girls
You will be able make girls feel really good when you talk to them. This means whenever they see you or think about you, they will get those same good feelings. This means anytime you talk to any girl (which you’ll soon see is incredibly easy), you’ll be creating those really good feelings. That cute girl you see in the hallway. The cute girl you see at work. That cute checker down at your supermarket. All girls will look at you THAT WAY.
The Wrong Way
Before we learn about the easy way, the right way, let’s talk about the wrong way, which fortunately (for you, not them!) is the way most guys talk. And that is to try and impress her. This is wrong on every single level. Why is it wrong? Let us count the ways.
It Assumes She’s Pre-Qualified
If you walk up and try to impress her, the presupposition is that you already accept her. This tells her that she doesn’t have to do anything except stand there and look pretty. It means she has all the power. It also means you are more or less begging for her approval. And while you already likely know this, one thing that is big turn-off for girls is guys who need their approval. Even if you are ultra-confident, if you start off needing to impress her, you’ve already lost!
She Can Always Upgrade
Let’s suppose you walk up and impress her with your charm and charisma. You tell her a few stories about your adventures, and she’s sufficiently impressed. All this means is that as soon as another guy comes along that is MORE impressive, you’re out, and he’s in!
You Do All The Work
The last and most horrible presupposition that comes with walking up and trying to impress her is you’re telling her, through your actions, that YOU are going to be doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. You are the one that’s always going to be tending to her needs.
Even if you walk over like a confident super hero, impress her in front of her friends, and make every guy look at you in awe, she will still believe that YOU are the one that is going to do all the work. After all, she was just sitting there, like the cute princess she is, and YOU were the one that walked up and made it happen. That is a very dangerous precedent to set!
The Better, Easier Way
Luckily, you are going to learn a much better way. A much easier way. A way that doesn’t require you have massive confidence, or even good looks. So long as you look presentable, and you didn’t just wake up in a dumpster behind Liquor Barn, you’re good to go! This is based on a little known communication technique from NLP, one that is almost always used in the wrong way.
Still Need To Approach
As magical as this system is, you still need to do the initial approaching. As awesome as it would be if you could just snap your fingers and have girls approach you, that’s not really possible. Besides, who the heck wants to be approached by girls all the time?
What if you just wanted to watch the game? What if you really find a real sweetheart you want to spend some alone time with? What would happen if everywhere you went, girls were walking up and trying to seduce you? It may be fun for while, but it would get old really quickly. (And girls aren’t so cute when they’re clawing each other’s eyes out!)
Rejection Proof Approaches
You will soon learn (below, not behind any goofy pay wall, don’t worry!) how to approach without ever getting rejected. It’s actually pretty simple, but once you get the hang of it, you will see the genius of this technique.
You’ll be able to approach girls all day long, and not worry about a thing. You’ll learn to ask the right questions that elicit those emotions, instead of trying to impress her with your wit or your stories about werewolves. (Wait, what?)
Seven Step System
You are about to learn seven simple steps. Easy to remember, easy to do. Since you are learning a new conversational style, it’s going to take some practice. It’s going to take some mirror work. But you’ll be able to practice on your buddies, bartenders and other sales staff, or even strangers. But once you get this simple system down, talking to girls, and making them feel wonderful whenever you are around is going to be a piece of cake. Ready to rock?
Most guys walk up and feel like the first thing they say is the most important. It is, but not in the way guys typically think. The LAST thing you want to do is impress her. Don’t use any goofy opener or try to show off how clever or socially proofed or worldly you are. When a quarterback decides to throw a pass, three things can happen, and two of them are bad. This is equally true when trying to impress her.
She might accept your attempt to impress her, and then turn the conversation into a contest. Or she might not understand your attempt to impress her, and feel on the spot. Both of these are less than ideal. Of course, she might look you and say, “Wow, you’re awesome! Let’s have sex!” but in order for THAT to happen, you’d have to approach a couple thousand girls, probably more!
The only thing you want to do when saying that very first thing is to make it as easy on her as possible. Make it easy for her to understand, and easy to her to agree with. When this happens, she will feel comfortable, and because she agrees with what you just said, she will be thinking, “Yes,” which is a very good place to start from.
What do you say to get her to think, “Yes”? These are called “pacing statements.” Say anything about the environment that is true. Something she will have to agree with. Of course, don’t be totally lame. If you walked up and said, “I am speaking English,” she would agree, but she’s also think you were just escaped from an asylum. Instead, mention the bar, the club, or just go with the old standby.
“Hi, I saw you from across the room, and I thought you might be interesting to talk to. My name’s Fred.” This is true (if your name happens to be Fred). This is something that is easy to understand. And this also takes the pressure of you, and it makes it clear you are interested in her personality as much as her looks.
It’s also a bit of a qualifying statement. You didn’t ask her for her name, so if she gives you hers in response, that is a very good sign. This tells you a lot, in a very short amount of time. If she doesn’t, it probably just means she’s nervous.
If you already know each other, you’ll have to think of something else to say to get the ball rolling, but the idea is the same. Just make a statement that is absolutely, objectively true that she can agree with without needing to think too much.
Ask simple questions that are easy to answer. Once you’ve got the ball rolling. You need to escalate. Every part of this can be thought of as an escalation, so don’t worry. Conversational escalation, at this point, is just shifting from saying something easy to asking something easy. Think of the main purpose of step two is to ask a simple question that she can easily answer.
The best idea is to ask about her opinion on something about the environment. Something easy to answer like, “Have you seen this band before?” or “How’s that margarita taste?” Yes, these are really lame questions, but the whole purpose of step two is to transition from saying things, to asking things. Once you’ve set up the, “You ask-she answers” idea, then you can expand the questions to ones that more than one word answers.
The third step is to simply keep asking questions, until you find answers she seems to enjoy giving. How do you know when this is happening? Her angers will be longer, and more detailed. She’ll be more expressive in her gestures and her facial expressions. She’ll be more animated. She’ll speak quicker. These are, of course, obvious. But they are also good quantifiable things to keep focused on so you don’t get too nervous.
Treat her just like you would a male friend, perhaps a coworker, that you just met. The idea is not to try anything sexual or use any advanced technology. Ask questions that get her talking. This is also another qualifying step. If you ask an opened ended question (the kind that requires a long answer rather than a short answer) and she gives REALLY long answers, that’s another really good sign.
This is when you start to go back and forth. Ideally, it works like this. You ask a question, she gives her answer, and it’s a long one that involves her opinion. You share your opinion on that subject or a similar one, and then ask her another question. If you’re scratching your head at this point and thinking, “Dude, that’s just how regular conversations go!” You are absolutely right!
Because girls are people, and if you talk to them like regular people, they will be much more likely to like you. In fact, this is the most common complaint from really pretty girls, they wish dudes would treat them like regular people! So the more gorgeous she is, the easier these obvious ideas will work!
However, there is one important thing to remember. If you have an opinion that is different from hers, be sure to let her know! One powerful attraction killing tactic (that you want to avoid, by the way!) is to agree with everything she says, in hopes it will clear a path into her panties. It won’t. It will do the opposite. So if she says she’s a big fan of creamy peanut butter, and you think only Mormons and Communists eat creamy peanut butter and extra chunky is where it’s at, let her know! It’s up to you whether you want to playfully tease her, or seriously bust her balls.
If you aren’t sure (playful teasing or ball busting), just tell her that while you can see her side of the story, you couldn’t disagree more. There are plenty of ways you can use disagreements and turn into playful teasing which definitely will increase attraction.
But since there are so many topics, and so many ways to disagree, it’s just one of those things you have to learn from experience. But if you feel the need to tease, imagine she’s a dude and fire away! When in doubt, talk to her like a dude. This will almost always increase her attraction for you.
This is also something you can practice with your buddies. Practice asking open ended questions and look for opinions that you can disagree with. Generally speaking, the kind of disagreeing ball-busting that works with your buddies will work on her. Remember, hot girls are DESPERATE to be treated like real people!
This is when you can start to get ultra sneaky with some covert hypnosis technology. It’s pretty simple, and you can definitely practice this on your family and friends before you spring in on the unsuspecting hotties in your life. It requires we talk about two ideas from conversational hypnosis.
The anchor idea comes from that Russian scientist Pavlov and his dogs. As the famous story goes, he would bring the food, and they would salivate. Then he started to ring a bell as he brought their food. After he did this a bunch of times, the dogs would salivate when they heard the bell, even though there wasn’t any food. Pavlov had effectively transferred the physiological salivation response FROM the smell of the food TO the sound of the bell. In NLP they say he set an anchor to the sound of the bell.
How To Set Spatial Anchors
Spatial anchors are anchors that are set in space. Not outer space, but right next to you. There are certain things we say that will generally cause good feelings in most people. When you say these things, and you gesture the same way, you will do the same thing Pavlov did. You will be setting the connection between your gesture, and those good feelings.
For example, if every time you said things like, money, or sex, or winning the lottery, or beach house, or long vacation, these words alone would cause the listener to have good feelings. If you also set the same spatial anchor, or gesture, while you said these words, the good feeling that was initially created by these words will now be associated with your anchor.
Applications of Spatial Anchors
Let’s say you’ve been talking to a girl for an hour. And you’ve set a ton of spatial anchors. Things you’ve said that made her smile, and that you also set to your special anchor. Let’s assume you set it to your right side, and we’ll use (R) to mean you are firing that anchor. Suppose you said the following:
“Hey, it was great talking to you, but I need to get going. Why don’t you give me your phone number (R) so that we can get together (R) again later on?”
Because you fired that same “good feeling” anchor while you said “give me your phone number” and “get together,” you will increase the likelihood that she’ll do just that. But it gets better, much better.
A command is a short sentence, usually a verb plus an object or two. Sit down. Eat bacon. Make money. Go outside. These are all commands. An embedded command is when you hide these inside of a large sentence.
“Sit down,” becomes:
Sometimes when I’m tired I decide to sit down because it makes me feel relaxed.
When you say the “sit down” part, you say it a little differently than the rest of the sentence. You use your “command voice” when you say it. You say the “down” part slightly lower than the “sit” part.
Command and Anchors
You can easily see what happens when you combine spatial anchors and embedded commands. If you’ve already set your spatial anchors, you can then fire them whenever you give the commands. So let’s suppose you’ve been talking to a hottie for thirty minutes. You’ve set plenty of anchors and now it’s time to close the deal. You might say this:
“I really had fun talking to you. I’ve got to go, but I’d love it if we could meet again (R). Why don’t you give me your number (R), so we can later get together (R) and continue this (R). I’d like for you to tell me more (R) about your plans to become a vet (R). I think that’s pretty cool.”
This would be very hard to resist. See, what we’ve also done, is connect something she wanted to do (according to the conversation), become vet, with the things YOU want her to do. This idea is the heart of steps six and seven. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
As you are talking to her, and going back and forth, asking her more and more questions about what she likes, you are also looking for any opportunities to set good anchors. But more importantly, start to steer the conversation away from things she likes, and more towards things she wants to do. Anything that involves, her, her future, and her desires. Shift from asking about general opinions, and start to ask questions about her plans. The only rule is has to be something she wants to do, or is planning to do in the future. Keep in grounded in reality, don’t talk about things that have low probability like winning the lottery or anything.
The general rule to this is simple: Ask any questions that makes her smile when giving the answer. How to transition from current likes to future plans is not difficult, but it will differ from conversation to conversation. Talk about her hobbies, if it seems appropriate.
How To Practice
This is also very easy to practice with your friends and family. Just practice finding ways to transition talking about things they like, to things they want, or things they are planning. This is a pretty common conversational tactic, one you probably use anyway. The only trick is to know when you are doing it, so you can use it.
Once you’ve got her talking about things she wants to do in the future, repeat them back to her, and set your good anchor. And when you do so, always look for “command worthy” phrases. If you’ll look back up a few paragraphs, that’s what we did when we fed her back, “Become a vet.” That is a perfect phrase to use for step six. It’s something she wants, and it’s in the command form. So when you repeat it back, using a spatial anchor AND your command voice, it will do three VERY important things.
Train Her To Follow Your Commands
If you give her a bunch of commands of stuff YOU want her to do from the beginning (like most pick up goofs teach) they won’t likely work. But if the first few commands she hears from you are things SHE has already told you that she wants to do, she will automatically WANT to follow you command, since she wants to do them anyway!
Train Her To Link Her Future Desires With Your Command Voice
You’ll also be subconsciously connecting your command voice with things she wants to do in the future. (Remember, the whole point of talking to her is to get her to want to do YOU in the future!) The more of her desires you connect to both your command voice and your good spatial anchor, the better!
Train Her To Link Her Future Desires With Your Spatial Anchor
When you set your spatial anchor with something you KNOW she wants (since she just told you) she will behave just like Pavlov’s dogs, which means if you do it enough, you’ll transfer her future desire to your gesture.
How to Practice
Luckily, this is something you can also practice with friends and family. In fact, the more you do this, the more you’ll turn all your friends and family into your own private puppets by using step seven!
All you’ve got to do now is close her, any way you want. Number close, take her to another part of the bar (if you are practicing fractionation) or even to go home with you. The best way to make step seven super easy and super natural is to do step six for as long as you want. In fact, the more you do step six, just eliciting her future desires, and then feeding them back to her with your command voice and your spatial anchor, the less likely you’ll need step seven. Why?
Think of it this way. Most guys walk up, try to impress her, treat her like a goddess up on a pedestal, etc. You’ve done NONE of that. You’ve talked to her like a regular person. You’re actually interested in what she wants to do in the future. You’ve actually gotten her talking about things that are important to her. You’ve made her feel really good! And you’ve harnessed those deep desires of her to your powerful command voice. And in case you really are worried about closing, here’s an extra secret, that will make it even LESS likely you’ll need step seven.
Once you’ve set the right side anchor (R), and you’ve elicited plenty of her desires and transferred them back with your command voice, you can mix up the right side anchor (R) with a self point anchor (SP). Do this enough, and she’ll start to associate her deep desires with YOU! If you make it to step six (which is easy, the only reason you won’t is you may decide not to), then if you do the self point enough times, she’ll be giving you that look that says, “shut up and kiss me!”
But if you absolutely, positively want to close her with step seven, when you use the self point along with everything else (and if you’ve built up the self point) you will be golden.
Seven Step Review
Further Study – Fractionation
A very powerful push-pull communication system that will rapidly accelerate her desire. How you can take the natural emotional process that happens over several dates and accelerate it so that it happens over the course of an hour or less.
Fractionation (blog post) – How To Accelerate Her Desire
Further Study – Secret Agent Persuasion
The above post is a highly condensed version of a much deeper and powerful communication strategy. The structure is the same, but it can also be applied to sales, family relationships, coworkers, even how to manage your boss. Click the image below to learn more.