Got A License For That?
There is this hypnotic juggler who works local parks.
He’s always dressed professionally, and he always has a temporary juggling license issued by the city.
He always starts off by juggling three lemons.
And while he’s juggling the three lemons he starts telling stories.
Really confusing stories about talking animals at the zoo.
Who tell each other even more confusing stories about what happened to them back when they were kids.
Before they were kidnapped and put into the zoo.
Rabbit Season
A friend of mine lives on this rabbit farm.
He has always wanted to create the perfect rabbit equilibrium equation.
So he can always eat two rabbits per day, while maintaining a constant rabbit population.
Cloud Season
There is this evil scientist that works for the agricultural industrial complex.
Those guys are evil enough as it is, but this guy has a secret level of inner evil that nobody knows about.
He’s in charge of the cloud seeding project to help out poor farmers in India who are struggling with massive drought.
Or they are using that as an excuse just to experiment with the weather to perhaps weaponized it somehow.
But from this secret inner level of evil, this evil scientist unleashed something that was much more chaotically evil than anybody could have predicted.
Rabbit Hole Hero
This friend of a cousin of my ex girlfriend has this secret farm.
He’s one of those nutjob conspiracy types.
He created a private pond on his private land, but it’s not a conspiracy that the EPA has ultimate authority over all non-registered bodies of water.
Depending on where you live, you might get put in prison if you collect rainwater without official EPA permission.
So when he built his pond, he build it completely underground.
Nobody Will Ever Know
He drilled down to a few underground streams, and diverted the flow into his pond and out of his pond.
He put in few mechanically operated shunts to keep his pond at a high enough level.
He stocks his underground pond with rainbow trout.
And he has plenty of filters so he can also drink the pond water.
Accelerated Evolution
But what he didn’t count on was that the underground eco-system is different, since it’s in the dark.
So the underground eco system quickly evolved to an unexpected collection of never before seen life forms.
This, of course, slightly altered the biological makeup of his water, in a way, that his filters couldn’t accommodate.
And as he drank this altered underground water, it also altered his DNA through retrograde accelerated cellular evolution.
Cannibal Man
Now he is unrecognizable.
Before, if any EPA people came unexpectedly onto his property, he swore he would shoot them.
Now, if anybody comes onto his property, including me, he swears he will eat them.
Needless to say, I haven’t talked to this guy in a while.
Yes! It’s Here!
When the promised rain clouds gathered over the dry farms of the desperate farmers, they all looked to the heavens with hope and anticipation.
Which is exactly what the evil scientist was hoping for.
Because not only did it rain, but it rained and rained and rained.
But it didn’t rain water, it rained lemon juice.
Daily Rabbits
He calculated the equilibrium using a basic predator-prey partial differential equation found in basic textbooks.
Everything is in perfect balance.
He goes out, grabs a couple of rabbits, cooks them and eats them.
And then he counts them the next morning, and he’s got the same number of rabbits as he did the day before.
Dude, What?
By the time he gets finished with all these weird stories about weird animals, everybody is confused.
Because the whole time everybody was paying attention to these stories about zoo animals telling each other stories about other animals, most of which were made up anyway, the lemons have somehow been magically transformed into donuts.
And he somehow has enough donuts to give to all the kids who, by this time, have given up even trying to remember what was in all these stories.
After all who cares about silly stories that don’t make sense when you can eat all the donuts you want?
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