Who Are You?
I had a friend of a friend call me a couple weeks ago. At first I couldn’t really remember who the guy was until he mentioned our mutual contact. Turned out he was looking for people to help him move.
And before I could come back with the “I’m busy that day” response, he promised the pay off would be worth.
If you help me, they’ll be a huge after party. Lots of girls, plenty of food, plenty of booze, eat and drink all you want. They’ll be plenty of places to crash.
Nice Pitch, Bro
Since he’d put in such an effort to make it worth my while, I said I’d help. The way he set it up was kind of weird. There was a whole bunch of us, and he already had everything in boxes.
We just made however many trips we could and put boxes in our cars. There was a lot of us, and each one of us only needed a few trips, by putting boxes in trunks and back seats.
But when we were done, he needed eight of us for a special mission. Turns out he had a pool table in storage halfway across town. I didn’t know the details but the truck he got was regular U-haul truck.
Dangerous Illegality
There were eight of is in the back holding up the pool table, and he drove really slowly. I suppose what we were doing was illegal, but we were all looking forward to shooting pool and getting hammered.
By the time we got the pool table into his basement, most of the party people started to show up. And this guy wasn’t lying. He had tons of food, and tons of beer. I guess this was his first house, so he was combining the moving party with a housewarming party.
When we were hanging around playing pool, I met this guy’s cousin. He took time to explain his situation to us before. That he was developmentally disabled, and nobody in the family could handle him.
Family Outcast
But he’d took him in and he was going to live with him. He told us he wasn’t anything to worry about, which seemed kind of strange given that nobody in his family wanted to take care of him.
He looked totally normal, so I walked over and wanted to start a conversation. But he was developmentally disabled in a way I never imagined.
You’d never know by looking at him. And when you started talking to him he seemed totally normal. Totally competent. Totally clear and focused on what you were saying, even nodding at the perfect places.
Um… Huh?
It’s when he answered that things totally went off the rails. The answers he gave were totally congruent. Totally well thought out. Perfectly intelligent sounding and articulate.
Except they had absolutely nothing to do with the question. Absolutely nothing whatsoever. Even worse was when he was giving this totally random but perfectly coherent and congruent answer, he acted like his answer was a perfect match for your question.
He was so congruent in his answer, I started to wonder if maybe I’d asked a different question. So I asked another question and the same thing happened. But the second answer to my second question not only had nothing to do with my second question, but it had nothing to do with his first answer.
Deepening Confusion
The more I talked to him, the more absolutely confused I started to get. I started to wonder if I was actually hallucinating this. That maybe everything that came before this was pure imagination. I kept it up as long as I could, until I started asking him if he knew what he was doing.
Then I started to play his game. I acted like he was answering my questions, and kept asking follow up questions. I was hallucinating his answers just as much as he was hallucinating my questions. Then he smirked at me. The dude was doing this all on purpose.
I leaned in and whispered, “Dude, why are you doing this? I mean, this is impressive, but you’ve driven all your family members insane!”
Here’s My Secret
He nodded and looked around and decided to tell me.
When I was young, I was normal. Then I started to have these weird dreams. I thought they were just random, but pretty soon I realized they were all the same.
Then one day everything clicked. I was remembering my past life. And when it clicked, I remembered everything completely.
Past Life Memory
I was a prince, but I had an older brother that was going to become king. Which was fine, since I was kind of a goof and I didn’t want any responsibility.
This advisor to my father started to teach me some tricks. At first I thought it was just goofing around, but he was starting to teach me real magic.
Later, I started to practice on my own. I became so powerful I could control other people’s behavior. I mean I would just have a thought, a vague idea, and they’d do exactly what I wanted.
Organically Controlled Behavior
Not like they were being controlled, like it was their idea and they were eager to do it. Pretty soon I was having sex with all the cute girls. I never had to pay for anything. People started to treat me like a hero.
Even my older brother and my father treated me like some super smart advisor, since everybody was doing things to help me.
At first it was awesome, but then it sucked. People stopped seeming like people, since they did whatever I wanted without resistance. It was like living in cartoon land, where everybody was just a figment of my imagination.
Eventually Not So Cool
The rest of my life was incredibly boring, and incredibly lonely. Terribly lonely. Horribly lonely. But then when I remembered my past life in this life, I tried it just once, and it worked.
So I created a random answer algorithm in my brain, so people would think I was a lunatic. That was the only chance I had. I’d much rather people treat me like a lunatic, and be real people, than turn into cartoon characters.
I looked at him for a while and he could tell that I didn’t believe him. He knew I didn’t believe him, so he went and got a sheet of paper. He told me to write down twelve numbers, between one and twelve, in random order.
Seriously Dude?
I thought he was going to do some mind reading trick. But he waited, and then nodded at the pool table where they were getting ready to play another game.
I watched, and they hit the balls in the pockets in the exact same order I’d written them on the paper. But they acted like they were really trying. Some missed, some didn’t, but they all went in the same order that I’d written them.
I repeated that six times, and the same thing happened six times. Each time the players hit the balls in the exact same order I’d written them down.
After that he leaned over and whispered to me to forget what had just happened.
Border Of Memory
Forget whatever happened before this. Forget hearing anything I just told you. It’s important you forget.
And then we went back to having a random conversation with random questions and random answers. We both got drunk. The drunker I got, the harder it was for me.
It was very easy to slip into a hallucination and forget it was game based on an internal algorithm he’d created to maintain his happiness.
What Happens Now?
Now everything I’ve assumed about free will and past lives is completely obliterated. I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t.
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