Two Sides
In the world of communication, there is content and there is structure.
If you focus too much on the actual words, you’ll miss the structure.
The structure of communication is what drives emotions.
This is how people get into big trouble.
They “think” things are going well and then BOOM!
The conversation is over.
The other person is angry.
You say, “What did I do wrong?”
This question even misses the point.
As if there is an objective “right” or “wrong” thing to say.
Sure, if you tried to bake a cake and it tasted like dirt, asking what you did wrong would be appropriate.
Because when operating on inert ingredients, there IS a right and wrong way.
Flow Over Outcome
But when talking to a human, there is no right and wrong.
There are conversations that lead to happier emotions, and those who lead toward unhappy emotions.
Conversations that lead to sales and those that don’t.
Those that lead to attraction, and those that don’t.
Those that are inspiring and those that aren’t.
So, generally speaking, asking what you did “wrong” will tend to make to worse.
This sort of presupposes the person you are talking to is some kind of object to be manipulated.
Think instead in terms of “trance making” and “trance breaking.”
Think of this in movie terms.
One of my own pet peeves when watching movies is when somebody shows up with a few cups of coffee.
Four cups from a coffee shop all in one of those cardboard coffee cup holders, that holds four cups.
To me, it’s obvious the cups are empty.
Just the way the actor carries them.
No Coffee
They are just a prop.
This tends to kick me OUT of “movie trance.”
Where I shift from watching real characters to watching actors portraying characters, all with “fake” props.
So if you are talking to somebody, it things to wrong, you kick them out of “conversation trance.”
There they were.
Going deeper and deeper.
Lead by your words.
But then you said or did something.
Something that made them feel uncomfortable.
Just like my coffee example, they suspect the whole conversation is “fake.”
Just like movie coffee cups.
That you aren’t having a conversation just to have a conversation.
That the whole thing, just like a movie, is fake.
Once this suspicion shows up, it’s hard to get rid.
So when you ask, “what did I do wrong,” this VERIFIES their suspicions.
Structure Master
On the other hand, when you understand conversational structure, and the emotions beneath the words, you’ll never break conversational trance again.
You can KEEP them in trance, guiding them deeper and deeper in trance.
All.
The way.
Down.
Learn More:
Conversational Intelligence
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