The other day, I saw TV show.
And in this show was a very, very common dynamic.
A guy and a gal were talking.
They were partners, working for the government.
Both through the CIA or some other spy stuff.
The dude liked the girl, romantically.
She sort of knew this, but she didn’t feel the same way.
They’d been through a bunch of adventures and he was staying in her basement.
He’d got messed up in the previous adventure.
He’d helped her and she wanted to thank him.
By giving him a hug.
To her, it was a non-romantic, “thank you hug.”
To him, it was her suddenly realizing her feelings about him.
So when she hugged him, he responded by trying to escalate.
She pulled back, shocked, giving him the common rejection.
“Oh, no, no, it’s not like that…”
He was embarrassed and upset.
This is a VERY common dynamic.
The guy sees a girl he likes.
She’s really only being polite.
But he thinks she actually LIKES him.
Particularly when guys starting getting smiles from baristas and bartenders.
He thinks the lady down at the coffee shop is into him.
So he asks her out, she says no, and it gets weird.
This type of “mis-calibration” is based on confusing “hope” for actual “evidence.”
You see a pretty girl, you like her, and she smiles at you, so you ASSUME she likes you too.
But if you see her as simply being polite to customers, like she is supposed to, then you see her differently.
This is a problem with interpersonal dynamics.
The better you can calibrate your conversational partner, the less errors you’ll make.
A guy talks to a girl, and she’s smiling.
Is she smiling because she actually likes him, or is she smiling simply because she’s enjoying a conversation with him?
Believe it or not, we humans can enjoy having a conversation with somebody we might never want to see again.
So, this guy thinks she’s into him, when she’s really ONLY enjoying the conversation.
He asks for her number, and she is a bit nervous.
But because he has less than ideal calibration, he doesn’t recognize the nervousness.
She gives him her number, only because it’s too hard for her to say no.
Then he wonders why she flaked.
But the WORST mis-calibration comes BEFORE we even engage.
When we assume something BAD is going to happen simply by breaking the ice and start a conversation.
This is the common feeling of social anxiety.
To OVERESTIMATE the potential negative consequences.
A horrible mis-calibration based on a very common childhood experience.
But if you can OVER WRITE that common childhood experience, you can significantly reduce social anxiety.
This will make it much easier to start conversations.
Much easier to get people smiling.
Much easier to find out who IS really into you.
And focus on those people with much more effectiveness.
Social Anxiety Killer
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