Where Am I?
I have a friend who likes to drink.
He likes to drink, he likes to get drunk, and he likes to stumble around without having any memory of any of this.
Once he woke up in an alley.
He saw a pair of shoes that looked better than his shoes.
He tried them on, and they fit perfectly.
So he left his old shoes in the alley, and wore his new shoes home.
Need Some Pep
My friend was driving home from a three day weekend part a few weeks ago.
He was still kind of buzzed driving home, and decided to stop into a gas station for a pick me up.
He was afraid that if he drank some coffee it would make him sick, so he picked up some diet pills.
He figured they would be based on some kind of stimulant, that would help him sober up for whatever he had planned for the rest of the day.
But they had a very pleasant and unexpected non-side-effect.
No Secret Prizes
Once I went to this white elephant party.
Where people bring these gag type gifts.
Then you take turns exchanging and trading them.
And there are certain rules, like the same gift can only be traded three times.
This means if somebody has a really goof gifts, which sometimes happens, you have to think very strategically about how to end up with that gift.
My friend ended up with this bottle of joke cologne.
The bottle was shaped like Mr. Peanut, but it didn’t smell like peanuts, it smelled like something else.
I got an envelope opener that looked like a miniature nine iron.
Taco Bell Is Your Future
My friend had a job interview at Taco Bell for what he thought was a manager position.
He was running late, and he put on the Mr. Peanut cologne by accident.
And he didn’t realize it until he was halfway to this interview.
This was the first time he really smelled it, and it reminded him of something.
But he could remember what this reminded him of.
It wasn’t peanuts, but it could have been related to peanuts, since they use peanuts in plenty of non-food and non-peanut things.
Fake Watch Store
My sister’s ex boyfriend was walking down the street one day, and came across some people selling some knock off watches and other things.
He was also running one of those gambling scams where they move the ball under three cups and you have to guess where it ends up.
He kept guessing correctly, which meant he kept doubling his money.
Finally the lady selling knock off watches, who apparently was his partner or something, offered him a magic pen as payment.
What Do I Do With This?
He asked her what she meant by magic pen, and she only said try this and see what happens.
So he kept the pen for a few weeks, and used it any time he needed to write something down.
And so far, no magic had happened.
Until he went into his bank to deposit is paycheck.
He walks in, fills out the deposit form, and gives it to the lady at the bank.
This usually happens by direct deposit but there was some issue.
Anyhow, he goes home, and checks his balance online.
Double The Money
And he’d been credit with double what his paycheck was.
He called the bank, and had them double check, and they said everything was fine, and that was the correct amount.
So he went to the ATM, and pulled out $200.
He went back to the bank, filled out a deposit slip with his magic pen, and deposited the $200.
He went home, and checked his balance, and sure enough, he’d been credited with a deposit of $400.
He went looking for the fake watch selling lady to see if he wasn’t going to get some unexpected Monkey’s Paw type payback in the future, but she wasn’t there.
So he figured he’d just keep doubling his money, and not spend it.
That was about six months ago.
He’s been doubling his money once a week.
You Smell Funny
He went in for the interview, and the lady interviewing him said he smelled interesting.
Not nice, not sexy, but interesting.
Then she told them they couldn’t hire him.
But then she said they’d been looking for somebody just like him to try out there experimental gift card program.
They gave him a gift card good at any fast food place in the country.
Unlimited food, at unlimited places, for life.
He doesn’t know if this was directly due to his mysterious Mr. Peanut cologne, but he’s not questioning it.
Del Taco Where Are You?
He told me when he got home, not only had his hangover vanished, but he was really, really hungry.
So he ate a lot.
Like really a lot, he went to Del Taco and spent about $100 on various items.
And the next morning, not only was he famished, but he really felt like exercising, since he had so much energy.
Since then, he’s been eating about 8000 calories a day of fast food, but he looks like a Men’s Health cover model.
And this guy has never exercised in his life.
He’s made sure to order plenty of those gas station diet pills.
He’s since quit his job, and is not only getting paid a ton from various modeling companies, but everywhere he goes the ladies are going crazy for him.
Dude, Why So Fast?
I talked to him about a month after he found those shoes.
Turned out they motivated him to run a marathon.
This wandering drunk guy was about as out of shape as you could guess.
He’s a trust fund baby, so his main hobby is to hang out in bars, get hammered and pass out so he can wake up in interesting places.
But since he found those shoes, he’s become a long distance runner.
Only two weeks after he found those shoes, he ran his first marathon, without any training.
He even went drinking the night before.
And he ran it in three hours and seventeen minutes.
All because of his seemingly magic shoes.
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