Cheese Wonderland
They have this new mall downtown, and in this new mall downtown they have an entire devoted to cheese and all the things that go with cheese.
Firstly, they have pretty much every cheese flavor you could possibly imagine and tons you might not imagine, unless of course, you area cheese loving expert.
Even better is they have the perfect crackers to go with your cheese, so your preferred cheese never has to feel lonely in your mouth.
Sketchy Party Games
I know these really weird guys who have these really weird parties.
They are all really, really smart, they’re all engineers or programmers.
And they have these insane chess parties where they play all kinds of chess tournaments, single, double elimination, and they add in all kinds of wacky mental chess expansions to make it more difficult.
Where’s He Go
One particularly troubling theory involves why Pluto was removed from the astronomical list of accepted planets.
This theory postulates that they wanted to shift our attention away from Pluto, and toward all the other planet like objects that co-exist within the Kuiper belt.
This is a classic case of sleight of attention, or sleight of planet.
They wanted us to not notice that not only did they remove Pluto from the list of planets, but they removed if physically from the Kuiper belt and put it on the other side of the sun.
Secret Escape Hatch
So the Earth is sharing the same exact orbit as Pluto.
And Pluto, over the past couple of decades has been terra formed to sustain human life.
They’ve added an artificial atmosphere, and they augmented the soil with quantum based mineral supplements so they could grow crops.
Even Elon Musk is in on the con, as he’s been trying to point our attention in the opposite direction, namely towards mars.
Chess Wizard In Training
I used to have this friend who decided he wanted to learn how to play chess.
So he bought this chess learning software that is connected to a huge database of every chess game ever recorded.
And you can load up any game between any two players, going as far back as the seventeen hundreds.
So he decided to pick one guy, some obscure eighteenth century Russian chess Grandmaster and pretend to learn from him.
Imaginary Friend
He would take the role of all his opponents, and he would imagine this Russian guy was giving him advice on what moves to play next.
Since these were games that had been played, the moves were all locked in.
So my friend would pretend the Russian guy would ask him what move he would make in each situation, and he would answer him.
If he guessed the wrong move, then he would imagine the Russian guy explaining why it was the wrong move.
Nice Choice
It if was the right move, he would imagine the Russian guy was congratulating him.
But the longer he did this, the more his personality started to change.
He actually started speaking with a Russian accent.
At first, we thought he was just goofing around.
But he would actually speak with a Russian accent at work, in meetings, and when talking to customers.
His boss asked him what was up, and he suddenly snapped.
He had a full psychotic break.
Loony Bin For You
They put him in the mental hospital, where he can only speak Russian.
They even had a few psychologist come in and study him, and they needed some Russian translators.
And the translators said he was speaking a very specific dialect, that matched perfectly with the time and place of his imaginary Russian teacher.
Soon he actually believed he was that Russian guy.
And more translators and historians came in to talk to him.
How Is This Possible
And he gave very accurate descriptions of 18th century Russian life, particularly some things that nobody knows about.
I went to visit him in the psyche ward, but he didn’t even recognize me.
The doctors, though, were very, very excited.
They wanted to study him, write papers about him, and become famous.
We’re Going Down
Allegedly, our society is on the verge of utter and irreversible collapse.
And the ships that Elon Musk is building is not to go to Mars, but to carefully and secretly shuttle the worlds richest people to Pluto.
Where they can enjoy a brand new, pristine planet free from the soon to be cannibalistic riff raff.
Eyes Closed
Sometimes they’ll have round robin tournaments.
But they only play mental chess.
They all have to wear blindfolds.
They start with 16 people and have blind folded single elimination tournaments.
But each time you take an opponent’s Knight or higher, you have to take a shot of whiskey.
So not only is it blindfolded chess, but blindfolded chess where they try to win by taking as few pieces as possible.
Otherwise everybody would pass out before the game ended.
Mix and Match Correctly
They lady their showed me a chart of the types of crackers that go best with the types of cheeses.
I jokingly asked her which types of crackers go best with peanut butter, and if I could combine peanut butter with any of these cheeses on any of these crackers.
Everybody in store stopped what they were doing and stared at me.
They acted like I had spoken the unspeakable.
Then the cheese lady looked and me and said it was time for me to leave, and that it might be a good idea if I never came back.
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