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Importance Of Communication
Whatever you do or want to do, if you can communicate well, you’ll do it a lot better. What’s the difference between somebody who’s got no idea and somebody who’s got great ideas but can communicate well?
Nothing!
Bottom line is you’ve got some great ideas inside your head. You know you do. But unless you can effectively get your points and ideas across to others, you may as well slap on some black and white face paint and pretend your stuck inside of an imaginary box! (You might even get some tips!)
Let’s Get Busy!
Enough already. You know you want to improve your communication skills or else you wouldn’t be here. So let’s cut to the chase already, shall we?
If you want to become an incredibly powerful communicator, so you can easily enjoy some conversational magic with pretty much anybody, learn these ten tips.
One – Rapport
If you’ve read any of my other stuff, or have purchased any of my products or watched any of my material (sheesh, enough about me already!) you know I hammer the importance of rapport over and over.
Why?
Because if you don’t have it, nothing you say will work. (Unless you’re a super hot girl wearing a micro mini and you’re saying, “Hey! Let’s have sex!”)
Most everybody and their cousin’s poodle have heard about rapport, and even know that it’s pretty important. Yet most of us forget about it. Why? Well, when we start talking to others, especially about something that’s important, we tend to forget about it.
However, it’s easy to create. All you’ve got to do is match the person as much as you can. Body language movements, speech rate, the types of metaphors they use, as much as you can. You can go ultra ninja and start to lead them, where you get them copying you, but let’s keep it simple.
How To Practice
Go somewhere that you don’t need to interact with others. Simply pick somebody and copy them. The way they sit, they way they move, etc. Also, watch couples and try and see who’s in rapport, and who isn’t. Do this enough times and it will become second nature.
Two – Involve The Other Person
Unless you’re standing on a street corner selling microwave ovens out of the back of your truck, get to know the person you’re speaking with. Find out what they like. Find out what they want. Don’t just slather them with your ideas. Imagine a game of tennis where you both take turn speaking. Except do the opposite of what you do in tennis.
Instead of saying things to show off how smart and clever you are, say things they’ll easily be able to do something with. Imagine you’re practicing tennis, and it’s your job to hit balls that are easy to return.
How To Practice
Instead of thinking of communication that comes from inside your head, think of it as some organic process that takes at least two people to maintain. Imagine you’re in a magic bubble and your words mixed with their words are the only thing keeping it alive.
Three – Keep It Positive
Nobody likes a negative Nancy (apologies if your name is Nancy!). Keep it upbeat. Imagine some kind of happiness meter that’s positive or negative. Keep it in the positive side. Don’t be sappy or full of hot air, but don’t slip into a sticky puddle of whining and finger pointing.
Realize that everybody’s got problems, but also realize that problems are here to help us learn new skills so we can conquer them.
How To Practice
Think of your job as a top secret positive expectation generator. Leave people better off than you found them. Make them happy for having interacted with you. Try and uncover one thing about the person you’re speaking with that they love talking about.
Four – Do Some Serious Listening
When most people listen, they’re really not listening. They’re really just looking for an entry into the spaces in between the other person’s words. Really listen to what they say. Sure, have an idea about what you’re to say next, but always use their words to mix in with yours.
If you’re aiming for a relaxing, social conversation, be willing to give up control. Allow the conversation to organically wander wherever it goes. When they’re talking, pay attention and imagine it in your mind. While doing so, look for similar stories and anecdotes within your own experience. Add to whatever they are saying, don’t change it to show off.
How To Practice
Imagine the other person is a ball of energy. The exterior is kind of dull and dark. Inside is bright and radiant and very powerful. See it as your job to draw out that positive energy. See each conversational thread that they come up with as leading back to that endless supply of golden power.
Five – Avoid Rude Questions
Rule number one when having social conversations is to never put the other person on the spot. This means being careful with what you ask. If there’s any potential answer that would put your partner in a bad light, you probably shouldn’t ask it. Some of these are obvious, like age, religion, politics, etc.
But be careful. If somebody made a bad decision, or they’re talking about something that didn’t go well, avoid covert lecturing. This is when you ask silly questions like, “Well, why didn’t you just leave earlier if you had a job interview?”
Nobody wants to explain why they made a bad choice. Instead, try and “out do” them with something YOU did that was even worse.
“Oh yea? I was sitting at a stop light once and I flipped a booger on the car next to me. It turned out she was the lady that was interviewing me!”
How To Practice
When asking any questions, first imagine somebody is asking you the same question. Then imagine the worst possible answer. If you wouldn’t feel comfortable answering that, then neither would they.
Six – Ask Easy To Answer Open Ended Questions
The opposite of putting somebody on the spot is asking them a question they can easily answer. What’s even better is asking them questions they like to answer. What’s even betterer is asking them questions they like to answer, and they can go on and on answering them!
If they’re hobby is painting, good questions would be how they got started, or what kinds of things they like to paint, or how long they’ve been painting for. A really great question would be, “Describe what happens when you really get into a painting, and it’s all you can focus on.”
If they’re thinking about majoring in pre-med, a couple of good questions would be, how they decided, or if they think it’s going to be hard, or is anybody in their family a doctor. A great question would be, “OK, suppose everything goes great, and you become a fantastic doctor. What would you like to be remembered for a hundred years from now?”
How To Practice
Always ask yourself, “What ELSE can I get them to tell me about that?” Try and point the conversation towards the BEST possible future, according to them.
Seven – Speak With Passion
I know, this sounds like one of those lame platitudes that’s sufficiently vague that it doesn’t make any real sense. So let’s describe it. When you talk, lets assume you’re talking about stuff that’s important to you, right?
So why not let people know it? Let it show on your face, through your gestures and tonality. Throw caution to the wind and let it all hang out! I know, easier said than done, right? Especially when you’re talking to somebody new.
Just start small, and work from there. Once you take that tiny first step, something amazing will happen. Most of us are terrified that if we express our TRUE selves, we’ll get rejected. But the opposite will happen.
Know why people LOVE babies and little kids so much? Because they express ALL their emotions. They don’t guard them, or make sure it’s ok, they just spit it out (sometimes a lot!).
So when you first smile when you talk, or widen your eyes a bit, or use gestures, it may feel awkward and weird. But when you see how positively people respond to, it will quickly become second nature.
Here’s another secret. Everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY) desperately WANTS to talk like that ,with enthusiasm and passion. But they’re all too scared. So when YOU do it, and show them it’s OK, they’ll LOVE you. Really.
How To Practice
Focus on one “passion” type thing each day. Gestures, or eye contact, or make your eyes wide and happy, and just try it out. Play around, experiment. Practice in the mirror until it doesn’t feel so goofy.
Eight – Speak So They’ll Get It
Most of us blather on without really knowing whether or not our message is being heard. Before you go into your pitch (even if you’re in a social setting) get to know the person a little bit. If you know them already, call to mind whatever you know about them.
Then take whatever you want to say, and put it in terms that they’ll be more open to. For example, my brother is a baseball freak, but I’m not. But if I wanted to get him to really pay attention to what I was saying, it would be a great idea to translate my ideas into baseball metaphors.
If the person you are talking to is more of a numbers / stats person, make sure you drop some data in the conversation, and avoid the touchy feeling type language.
How To Practice
Imagine that there’s a timer on every conversation you find yourself it. Or a referee or something. You aren’t allowed to say what’s on your mind until you find out what they’re all about. Imagine a big bubble around them, based on their unique view of life. Make sure your message is tuned and calibrated to most effectively slip right through their bubble.
Nine – Learn To Read Body Language
Sometimes you’ll be deep within your filibuster, thinking the other person is digging every single syllable coming out of your beak. Only they’re desperately trying not to fall over from sheer boredom.
How do you know? Pay attention to their facial expressions, body language and how they are responding. Are their eyes wandering? Are they simply copying your facial expressions? Are they passively listening without any real interest? These are clues that it’s high time to finally hit the ball back in the court.
On the other hand, if their eyes are glued to yours, their facial expressions are slightly changing to match the feeling of your story, and they look they’re watching the final episode of “Lost” for the first time, you’re in good shape.
How about their body? Is it open, facing you? Or is it closed off and protective, like they think you’ve just escaped from prison?
Knowing the difference will help you not be the guy everybody avoids, and be the girl everybody wants to hang around.
How To Practice
People watching is great for this. There’s none of that stress that messes up your inner game. Just grab a cup of joe and watch people. See who’s into whom, and who’s faking it. When you’re relaxed, it’s easy to spot.
Ten – Embrace Risk
Sure, it’s “safe” to play to safe. But it’s not any fun. Remember when you were a kid, before you learned how to talk? OK, I don’t either. But if you’ve been around kids, you know how they operate. Before they know what words are, they just make any sound they can and see what happens. None of it makes any sense, and it’s really cute.
I’ve had little kids come up and start talking to me in baby gibberish. They look like they are delivering a message of utmost importance. Like the fate of planet Earth hangs in the balance. But when I look at their moms for some help translating, I get the “You’re asking me?” look.
Now, I’m not saying you should go up to a stranger and start babbling like an idiot (but it might be pretty fun). But you SHOULD be MUCH more willing to relax and goof around than you have been.
Safe is boring. Safe won’t make you any money, and safe won’t get you any good lovin’. In order to get the good stuff, you’ve got to take some risks. And yes, you will fall on your face, and look like a goof. Maybe even strangers will look at you!
But c’mon, we’re not doing deadly experiments in a nuclear reactor. We’re talking to people. Something people have been doing since the dawn of time. Seriously, what’s the worst that can happen?
Assuming you don’t proclaim your desire to inflict bodily harm or violate somebody’s private parts, the absolute WORST that can happen is people may look at you funny.
But even then, they’ll remember you. You’ll be more interesting than that guy in the corner droning on about his broken dishwasher, or complaining about his boss.
How To Practice
Make mistakes on purpose. Thing of weird (but legal) things to say, and just spit them out. Walk up to strangers and tell them silly jokes. (How do you know when an elephant is in the local pub? His bicycle’s outside! BAM!)
Make it a point to always push your boundaries, just a little bit. The more you do, the more fun you’ll have.
Conclusion
Here’s the bottom line. Think of three or four things you really, really want in life. Things of ultra importance. Chances are, getting those will involve interacting with others.
How well you communicate will have a direct impact on your ability to get what you want. So long as you keep improving your skills, you’ll get closer and closer to those things.
The world is overflowing with wonderful people with amazing ideas, stories, and experiences. Filled with treasure.
It’s your job to find it.