When most us talk, we ignore two crucial elements, both of which can dramatically improve our success. By the time you finish reading this, you’ll not only know what they are, but you’ll know how to implement them so that you’ll easily achieve your outcome.
Think about the last conversation you had where the outcome was important. I’m not talking about hanging out with your friends, or just chatting to some stranger to pass the time. I’m talking about a conversation where it was important to get your point across.
How did you feel before the conversation started? Nervous? Anxious? Unsure of yourself? This is common. But why do we feel nervous. Think about going into a grocery store you’ve never been into, in hopes of buying a specialty item. Maybe some kind of exotic grain that’s only grown in Peru.
How do you feel? Nervous? Of course not. Hopeful, curious, sure, but nervous? No way! After all, you might find some other stuff as well, right? You might find that some of the stuff you normally buy at that other supermarket is cheaper here, right? Who knows what can happen?
So why do we feel nervous going into a conversation where we may or may not get what we want? It’s really the same structure. To take some action, and we may or may not get the desired result.
Obviously, the difference is that during a conversation with another human being, it’s easy to feel that we are getting “rejected” on a personal level. Like the person we’re talking to has what we want, and is perfectly capable and willing to give it to us, but they are going to somehow “judge” us and withhold it.
Logically, this doesn’t seem possible. Luckily, when you approach a conversation with the right communication skills, you’ll feel just like walking into that specialty grocery store that may or may not have your desired item.
Effective Communication Skills
The basic outline is to first find out what the other person wants. Then explain what you want, and see if there’s any possible overlap. It’s really pretty simple. No matter what you’re intending to get, if you’re looking for a win win outcome, there’s no chance of rejection.
Because if you can achieve a win win outcome, the other person is going to be better off after the conversation, just like you are.
So the first step is to approach the conversation not like some beggar looking for some free gifts. But as somebody who’s got something to offer in exchange.
To start, think of the topic you are going to discuss. If this is a business conversation, you can simply lay it out. State what you’d like to get, and say up front that you’d like to find out if there’s anything they need from you.
If you are talking to a boss, it might be easier to start by eliciting what they want. Being a boss comes with certain pros and cons, just like any other job. First get them talking about what it would be like if their job was better, easier, more effective.
Once you’ve got them talking about what they want, and it’s in the forefront of their mind, then talk about what you want. Show them by getting what you want, it will help them get what they want, and vice versa.
This way, you won’t come across as if you’re asking for a favor, and they are putting themselves out by accommodating you. Done correctly, after they’ve given you want you initially wanted, they’ll feel like they’ve actually gotten the better part of the deal.
But what about non business relationships? Like family or spousal relationships? How about getting a family member to do something that you want?
Simple. Just follow the same procedure. This may take a bit more thought, as it won’t be such a business like exchange. First, think of what you’ll get once they do what you want. Then think what that will do for them. Be creative, and think of several benefits that they will get, once you get what you want.
Make sure these are real benefits that they’ll enjoy and appreciate. Then start off the conversation by talking about them and their desires. Steer the conversation towards those benefits they’d get if they did what you wanted. Talk to them for a while about these benefits, and make sure they are really something they’d appreciate.
Get them thinking about them in rich detail. Take a few minutes talking to them about what it would be like if they had it. Obviously, the bigger request you are going to be asking them, the more you’ll want to talk to them about their benefit first.
Once they are fired up about their benefit, make the suggestion. Speak of it as something that they can do to help them get what they want. If you’ve done a good job talking to them, on their terms, and their language, about what they want, this should be pretty easy.
The Art of Pick Up
How about somebody that you’ve never met before? And something that’s not business, but more in the realm of dating and seduction?
The process is the same, but instead of presenting it as “trade,” it’s got to be a lot more subtle, and implied.
For example, say you’re a guy, and you’ve got your eye on a girl. You can start a conversation with her, like normal. Start talking about relationships in general. Then be brave, and go first, and talk about some of your past relationships. This is so she’ll feel comfortable talking about hers.
Your intention her is to covertly move the conversation so that she’s talking about her ideal relationship. Everything about it. Get her talking about it in as much detail as possible. Do your best to keep her talking in general, behavior terms.
If you’re five foot six, and she starts talking about her dream guy being six foot eight, then you might run into trouble. Talk about emotions, feelings, very vague and general stuff.
The more she talks about these types of things, the more she’ll start to subconsciously start to associate these with you.
Once she’s fired up about what she wants, then it’s time to ask for what you want.
When you communicate this way, by first choosing your intention, and then talking to them first about their intention and desires, you’ll have a lot more success.
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