I was at a bar the other night and I saw an old friend of mine. It took me a few seconds to recognize him because he was a shell of the man that I remember.
The man that I remember was a guy that was extremely confident. Extremely secure extremely friendly and charismatic. He was the guy that you always wanted with you whenever you went to a social situation. He was always capable of getting any group of girls feeling happy and laughing and excited.
He always went home with the hottest girl no matter where we were but when I looked at them something horrible had happened to him. But he had a certain look in his eyes that didn’t indicate that he had been heartbroken.
Deer In Headlights
I’ve seen guys that have been absolutely and horrifyingly dumped and they have a look in their eyes like a wounded animal. Like they’ve been hurt so bad they can’t ever trust anybody again. He didn’t have a look like that. He had a look that was sad but in a much different way.
He noticed that I was looking at him that way. I asked him, dude what happened? He looked at me he shook his head and he said ex-girlfriend but not really ex-girlfriend. I don’t know what to call her. I don’t know how to describe what happened.
It all started when I met her online just like any other very attractive girl that I’ve met online. We clicked. I knew how to send her the right texts at the right time. I knew how to set up the date of the right time. I knew had a close her to go home to my place at the right time. But then something happened.
We started to really fall for each other. We started to believe that this could be the one. We started to believe that this might end this kind of soulless relationships that I never really thought of in that way before. But then we started both having the same kind of feelings. I never really realized this at the time but a lot of people have this idea that they have this deep part of them that is broken.
They had this deep very hidden very well hidden part of them that if somebody finds that part out about them they will get rejected. Everybody kind of carries this idea that they have this deep hidden dark horrible part about them is a part that they can’t really describe it. They just have this vague idea that it’s there.
This realization started to worry this girl. She started to feel like if she let me get close enough to her I would see that deep dark part of her and I would reject her. She was terrified that that would happen because I was the most wonderful thing that ever happened her.
Let’s Make This Work
She wanted to make this really work. She wanted to make this the one relationship that would keep her happy for the rest of her life. She was terrified that I would find this deep dark part of her and this caused her a lot of problems.
She started to seek answers for this problem. She found a retreat that guaranteed to cure your inner brokenness. A retreat that would guarantee to completely make yourself congruent so that you could be completely open to anybody. The more you would open up the more they would accept you. This retreat was being run by a group of Catholic nuns that had a very large very comfortable retreat center up in the mountains.
She signed up for this retreat. She showed up at the parking lot on Friday morning when the buses would leave. She got on the bus with several other women. They were all women. On the ride up, the ride up took about two hours through these windy roads of the mountains.
I’ll Do Whatever It Takes
She promised herself that no matter what happened during this retreat she would completely open up and embrace it. She would let it overcome her. She would let it heal her. She would give herself completely to me. She wanted to make herself as pure as possible and give herself completely to me for life.
The first day, the first morning of this retreat, they spent saying prayers. In the afternoon they started saying these different prayers that she had never heard before. The nuns explained that the second set of prayers came from a group of scriptures that had never been published.
A group of ancient scriptures that predated the Bible, that predated the Old Testament. This group of ancient scriptures that had been around long before anyone had ever come up with any Western idea of religion. They took them down into the basement. In the basement they had many cages and inside the cages were many men that they had secretly kidnapped off the street. Homeless men.
Human Sacrifice, Bitches!
The nuns explained to them that human sacrifice has always been a part of human life. Human sacrifice has always been a part of the human soul. That our God has always been a very jealous God. You cannot give yourself to another person unless you first give God a soul in your place.
They took one of the men upstairs. He was begging and pleading. They chained him to the ground outside. These women stood around him in a circle. They held hands. They chanted this ancient prayer. After about an hour a bolt of lightning came down and killed him.
She said that when this bolt of lightning killed him she felt completely purified. She knew that I would accept her. She knew that it would be safe. She knew that it would be safe for her to share everything with me. When she came back from the retreat she set a special date for us.
Our Special Time
She set a special date and a special hotel the honeymoon suite. She had a special dinner ordered. We ate dinner. We made love for three hours and then she opened herself up completely. She told me about the retreat. She told me about the human sacrifice. When she looked me in the eye and she shared her inner self with me I felt absolutely horrified.
All I wanted to do was to get away from her. All I wanted to do was to leave her and never ever see her again. Just the thought of her looking at me and smiling like a goddess filled with love and she explain how they tied that man to the ground and killed him with a bolt of lightning as if that was a pure expression of love.
That made me feel absolutely disgusted. Every time I look at another woman now I can’t help but remember that look she gave me. She has ruined me.
Afraid Of The Wrong Thing
All of this time I had been afraid of what was secretly hidden inside of me when I should have been afraid of what was secretly hidden inside of them.
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