There is a pier that’s very old in my neighborhood. It has a restaurant at the end but it hasn’t been open for a long time and it’s almost condemned but I still see people occasionally on the pier fishing.
There’s this one old guy that I’ve seen a while fishing. I’ve always wondered if he actually fished or if he was just kind of killing time. I guess if you’re retired, and I’m assuming this guy’s retired, going fishing might be an easy free way to kill time and actually pretend they are doing something.
One day I sat down next to him and I looked into his little bucket and actually had a couple fish. I said you like catching fish? I thought maybe he caught fish and ate fish. I figured this might be a very cost-effective way to find food if you are retired and on a fixed income but I didn’t know the half of it.
Catch Fish – Feed Cats
He said he caught fish and gave them to cats. I thought okay maybe this guy has pet cats. I said, “So, you like cats?”
He said I hate cats. That’s why I started fishing because my original plan was to poison cats. My neighbors feed stray cats and this attracts more stray cats and those God damn cats breed and they shit everywhere and they make noise.
My first plan was to kill all of the cats. To slowly poison them one by one but then I thought about that and I realized that there’s way too many cats to kill. If I started killing cats the cops would eventually find out and they would put me in prison and I did not want to go to prison.
Not Going To Jail
I had to come up with a different way to deal with my anger and frustration of my God damn neighbors who keep feeding these God damn cats because every time I go outside and I see the stray cat sitting around waiting for a free meal it makes me very very angry.
I finally came upon a solution. I would catch some fish. I would feed the fish to the cats. While the cats were eating my fish I would catch the cats I would lure the cats inside. I would kill the cats and then I would eat the cats.
I tried that and it worked very very well I found the going outside with a sandwich made out of cat meat sitting there eating a cat meat sandwich while watching my stupid neighbor feed all these God damn cats that actually helped calm my nerves significantly.
Then I found out something particularly insightful, amazing, unexpected. It turns out that if I spend money on bait I can catch a certain amount of fish and with that certain amount of fish I can catch a certain amount of cats. I’ve found a way to take the money it takes to buy bait and increase in the amount of food I can get from that money significantly.
For about three dollars I get about two weeks with of cat meat. This allows me to save a lot more money. Now when I sit on my porch and eat my cat meat sandwiches and I look at my stupid neighbor who feeds these cats whom I’m eating and I know the names of the cats that I’m eating while I’m looking at her which is particularly enjoyable.
I’m actually saving quite a bit of money. The stupid cat lady is buying cat food and feeding cat food to these God damn stray cats. I’m eating these cats and saving money and I find this to be fantastically amusing.
Dude Enjoying Himself
When this guy was telling me the story I could tell he was very very proud of himself. This whole time I’d seen him fishing and I always thought he was just some lonely old retired guy not some God damn master criminal.
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