Bacon Defense Patterns

Vegan Dinner Invitation

A friend of mine invited me to dinner a couple of weeks ago.

He warned me that it was going to be a vegetarian dinner.

Which meant that there would be a lot of vegetarian dinner.

Since I love to eat meat, I was a little worried I might get some lectures by some vegans.

Prepping For Vegan Onslaught

Some people avoid meat for persona reasons, or health reasons, but some people avoid meat for political reasons.

Which means they love to lecture other people about their beliefs.

Most of us, given the opportunity, would love to lecture others about our beliefs.

Social Status Instinct

This is kind of a deep human instinct.

The most powerful human instinct.

To be in a position of power to be able to tell others what to do.

So I had a bunch of anti-vegan arguments ready, in case we got into the bacon vs. vegetables argument.

Pre Framing The Bacon

I was ready tell others why it is a good idea to eat bacon.

Why everybody should eat more bacon.

In fact, if you can persuade vegans to love bacon you can pretty much persuade anybody to do anything.

So I prepared my bacon arguments before the vegan dinner party, just in case.

It’s always a good idea to keep plenty of pro-bacon arguments just in case you need them.

Lame Apocalypse Movie

I was watching this kind of weak movie the other night.

It was about some ex hippies that were now fairly wealthy.

Getting together in their thirties, for some kind of dinner party.

It was in this really nice house up on the hills with a nice view over the city.

And they had a lot of left over drama from college.

Ex Hippies vs. Bikers

Down the street were a bunch of bikers who were cooking meth.

And there was some reason why the rich ex hippies had to interact with the biker meth people.

It was to set up a kind of conflict, to make this more interesting.

And while the rich ex hippies were battling with the biker meth people, the world ended.

Poof! World Over

They didn’t explain why, it just ended.

And so the second half of the movie was about how the rich ex hippies had to work together with the biker meth people to not die.

And the movie ended with everybody working together in this garden.

Symbolizing how bikers and hippies can work together to survive the apocalypse by growing a bunch of tomatoes or something.

Green Is The New Profit

A lot of companies recently are going green, at least that’s what I’ve been reading.

I’ve read lot of articles about how companies are finding out that if they go green, they can increase profits.

The idea is that going green is pro-capitalist or something.

I thought that this sounded like a bunch of propaganda so I wanted to do more research to find out if this was nonsense.

Green Super Genius

There was this scientist a couple of years ago.

A super brilliant scientist.

This guy wanted to save the world.

He was being courted by two different organizations.

Academic Vs. Corporate

One, a university that promised him a fast track to tenure.

Another a corporation that wanted to train the world to become vegans.

They wanted to create a whole line of products that tasted like bacon, and pork chops, and hot dogs, but were made out plants.

The idea was that by convincing the world to go vegan, they would save the planet and get really rich in the process.

Everybody Follows The Money

So this super genius scientist decided to follow the money.

But it turned that this was a total scam.

The guys running the fake bacon company were only in it for profits.

They spent tons of money to build a lab.

They spent tons of money to equip the lab.

All A Capitalist Scam

But this was all marketing nonsense.

They just wanted to build up the value of this.

To turn this into an IPO.

They would make billions of dollars, sell their stake and then let the company go bankrupt.

Rolling Solo

This super genius scientist found out too late that this was all a scam.

So he decided to save the world on his own.

After doing research, he decided the main problem harming our planet was too many people.

So he pretended to play along.

Long Game DNA Reversion

All the while creating a new form of food based, DNA manipulation.

Once this was in your system, it would make your DNA revert back to our ancient proto-human cannibal past.

It takes between 8 to 12 months of eating this food to convert your DNA.

And to accelerate the process, this scientist convinced his Venture Capital overlords to buy several existing brands.

This Has Already Started

Which they did about two years ago.

Which means that many well known, international food brands have been artificially engineered to alter your DNA.

And since these brands are so widely used, he estimates that up to 80% of the population will revert to proto-human cannibals within a year.

When it happens, this will happen quickly.

One day, everybody will act like normal.

Instant Cannibal Apocalypse

The next day, when the DNA reversion happens, everybody will turn into cannibals.

This crazy scientist believes this will be a wonderful process.

After doing some research, I found out exactly how this scam works.

Companies that are losing money, that aren’t able to make a profit, figure out a way to go green.

Green Equals Government Subsidies

Once they go green they get a bunch of government subsidies.

They can add these subsidies to their balance sheet.

They lose money, collect a bunch of money from the government, and pretend they are able to make a profit.

Biker Hippie Commune Theory

I was curious how much land it would take to support a bunch of ex hippies and some biker meth people.

So with a little research, I found it takes one acre using post industrial technology to keep one human alive.

Which means if you are planning on living off your backyard garden after the apocalypse comes, you’ll need more land.

Do You Have An Acre?

One acre is a lot of land.

It would take you all day just to take care of it.

But while you are sleeping, people might steal your stuff.

So you might need to hire a couple of guys to protect your land while you sleep.

Which means for each one of those guys, you’d need an extra acre.

Mathematics Doesn’t Cooperate

If you have a family of four, you’d need four acres.

Plus an extra acre for everybody that works for you.

Maybe if you lived alone in a huge area.

But in modern society, when there will be tons of hungry people roaming around, the math simply doesn’t work out.

Cannibals or Food?

Given the most likely situation in a post-apocalyptic collapse, being self-sufficient, but having an old school farm with animals and crops, is not mathematically possible.

The more animals you keep, the more land you’ll need grow the food to feed them.

Which means when the food apocalypse does happen, it is going to be absolute chaos.

But scientists aren’t sure which is coming first.

The food apocalypse or the cannibal apocalypse.

Nobody Gets Out Of Here Alive

But most experts agree that the average person only has about a half a percent chance of surviving through both, which ever of these comes first.

Turns out I didn’t need my bacon language patterns.

Nobody really preached veganism at the dinner party.

Delicious Vegetables

It was pretty good.

But all everybody talked about was their gardening techniques.

Which meant this was the most boring ever.

I showed up ready with a ton of bacon defense patterns.

My Tomato Technique Is Better!

And I had to listen to a conversational contest to see who could come up with the most clever way to grow tomatoes.

Had I known this was going to happen, I would have brought tons of clever ways how to cook bacon.

But… Bacon?

How to eat bacon.

I’m not really a big fan of tomatoes.

Or whatever other weird vegetables those weird people talked about all goddamn night long.

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