From Peace And Tranquility
A long time ago I used to be a devout Christian in fact there was a time in my life when I went to daily mass for work.
Now even if I go near a church, particularly a Catholic church, I have to do everything I can to not pass out from fear.
I first but this girl is going every Sunday. I started to see her. She started to see me. We started hanging out together talking together after mass we started going to breakfast together.
She invited me to come downtown with her were she did some of her charity work. One of those things was to give food to the homeless. If you’ve ever done that is a fantastic thing besides any kind of religious connotations.
Charity Heals The Soul
It’s a great way to feel human. To give things to other people that they need to look people in the eye when you give them something so they feel good because of you.
We started to go to this one homeless shelter. We would help give up meals at nighttime. I could tell that a lot of the people that give out meals were kind of regulars. The helpers and the homeless on a first name basis.
I saw this one guy that seemed to be interesting. He kind of kept looking in my direction like he wanted to talk to me. I went over and I asked if it was okay for me to sit next to him.
I sat down and he seemed a little bit different than the rest of them. He seemed to have very very clear eyes he seemed to be very very intelligent and he didn’t seem to have the signs of being an alcoholic or a drug addict for a long time.
Something Funny About This Guy
I don’t know exactly what those signs are. But there seems to be a sense when you’re around people that have had substance abuse problems. This guy seemed to have something he wanted to tell me but he also seem to have some type of energy just below the surface.
Kind of like when you see somebody that’s very very angry and you’re afraid if you say the wrong thing or look at them the wrong way they might explode. He had energy somewhat like that but not like anger was something else.
I started asking simple questions and maybe get a little bit of information about its history, his story. He told me that when he was in high school he knew that he was very very intelligent he knew that he could go places.
Right Skills Wrong Place
The problem was he lives in a small town and he had a couple of deadbeat parents. His plan was to join the Army. He spent four years in the Army hopefully get the Army to pay for his college so he could get a degree in mechanical engineering.
Then with four years of Army experience and a degree in mechanical engineering, he could build some kind of a life for himself. Then the Army told him that because he was so intelligent they wanted to use them for a special project.
They said because you are so intelligent we want you to do things that we know that other people can’t do. Because you are so intelligent we need you for things that we know that other people are incapable of doing. We need your intelligence to help us defend America to defend freedom to protect democracy.
OK, I’ll Do It
They kind of sweet talked him into this experimental program where he would conversationally deliver these cause-effect cluster bomb matrixes into people’s minds. These cause-effect cluster bomb thought matrixes that he would deliver to people’s minds will be centered around a very negative emotion.
The reason was so that eventually because these were built according to a cause-and-effect thought structured lattice, eventually everything in the person’s external world would remind them of the central theme of the cause-and-effect lattice and that central theme was going to be fear.
He would learn how to do this to deliver these fear-based cause-and-effect thought matrix cluster bombs in the people’s minds and the only reason he could do that was because he was so intelligent.
Never Tell The Truth
At least that’s what he thought and reality his intelligence was needed because it helped him to last longer before he eventually went insane. Actually doesn’t take a lot of intelligence to be able to do this.
The higher your intelligence the longer you can last before you eventually snap and go insane. So he told me all this and I kind of thought it was an interesting story was deftly a well-thought-out story.
As people tend to do not just homeless people when we have these problems internally. We tend to project them out into the world. We tend come up with these beliefs, of these ideas of how these stories these internal deficiencies that we have, that we’re afraid to look at, we tend to blame them on things outside of us.
Nice Story, Bro
I figured this was just a well constructed story a very well thought out fantasy of how he had these internal problems because of an external conspiracy so I left just hoping that he would figure out a way to get better.
The next week at church I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that everybody was staring at me. In the next week the whole time I was on my knees praying to Jesus I felt the woman behind me with a knife.
I imagined her standing up with a shriek of horror on her face just waiting to plunge the knife in my neck. I couldn’t turn around because I was in church and it was so quiet. The next week after that I can barely keep my sanity.
Replication Of Horror
I was certain that everybody in the church was staring at me. Everybody in the church was a demon. Everybody in the church wanted to kill me in a horrific painful way and so I left. I never went into a church again.
Now every time I get near a church every time I find myself at a stoplight and as a church on the corner, particularly a Catholic church, I have to do everything I can to not imagine going inside.
If I imagine going inside I know there is a group of demons in there waiting for me. They will surround me and they will stare at me and it will drive me insane.
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