What To Eat?
The other day I was at home wondering what to eat for dinner. It turned out to be a horrible mistake. I decided to go down to the grocery store. I had been trying out that one meal per day plan, unfortunately I chose the wrong thing to eat.
I ended up in the bakery section. The bakery section smells very good. They had a lot of pies that were half off so I bought a half off pie. I went home and I should’ve eaten half the pie but instead I ate the whole pie.
I felt terrible after I ate it. I felt terrible while I slept and I felt terrible when I woke up. I decided I go for a walk. Maybe the fresh air would ease my pain. I made my way down to the local park. I was sitting on a park bench and an old woman walked up and sat down next to me.
What’s Wrong Dear?
She noticed that I was in pain. She asked me why I was in pain. I said I don’t really want to talk about it. This old lady was given off some very strange vibes and I didn’t feel like explaining my pie mistake to her.
She said I’ve caused more suffering than you will ever know. I am a witch but I’m not a witch that has witch powers. The only powers that I have is that me and my sisters can never die. We can be killed but we will never die of natural causes. We are thousands of years old but in our time together we’ve always been outsiders on planet Earth.
There’s always something about us that humans don’t like. They always push us to the outside of society. Whenever we find an opportunity we take revenge on humans. We like to cause pain to humans. We like to cause as much suffering as we can to humans. But we have to be very very careful because if we get caught they will kill us.
Agony and Pain
We have to take a lot of time to plan these devious plots that will induce as much agony and pain on humans as possible. The last time we pulled off a successful plan was during the Great Depression. Back then it was very very easy to set up any kind of organization.
There weren’t nearly as many federal regulations as there are today. We set up a homeless shelter. It was a very very easy because there was very little paperwork to fill out. Before long we had 1000 beds in this huge facility. We would invite all of the homeless people to come in and sleep in our beds for free.
We would take as much information from them as they had. The reason for that was we wanted to help them find jobs. The real reason we took all the information from them was because we wanted to identify the members that didn’t have any next of kin. That were alone. That were single. Those we killed.
Boil and Purify
After we killed them we would boil them in water to purge them all their diseases. To purge them of all their imperfections. To purge them of all their human evilness. Once we had boiled their dead bodies for two hours we slowly flayed off their skin and took the meat from their bones. Then we processed this meat and we baked this meat into meat pies that we would feed to the rest of the homeless.
We were specifically targeting a mix of 20-80, meaning that 20% of the homeless people we would kill and turn into meat pies and then feed to the other 80% of the homeless. This was because during the witch trials of the Middle Ages the dumb cruel humans would capture and kill witches. Of all the people they killed that were accused of being witches, only 20% of them were actual witches. Since we don’t care if humans kill humans we only wanted to get back are 20%.
Out of all the homeless people we welcomed into our shelter disguised as Catholic nuns with open arms, we killed 20% of them and fed those 20% of them back to the rest of them.
She sat there smiling and looking. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I thought maybe if I got up and ran she would use her witch powers on me to make my brain freeze and turned into a god damn meat pie.
Finally she smiled and nodded at me and got up and walked away slowly. I thought that story can’t be true. There’s no way that can be true but something about her even if it wasn’t true, the way her eyes gleamed with pleasure when she talked about boiling humans and turning humans into meat pies and feeding those humans to other humans.
She looked like she was talking about something so wonderful. Finally when she had gotten out of sight I got up and I slowly walked home. When I got home I smelled the remnants of my pie.
I Can Still Smell The Pie
I looked in my trashcan. I saw the empty pie tin. Right then and there I made a promise to Jesus. I said Jesus please protect me from witches. I promise I will never eat another pie again.
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