I went to a reunion recently. It was a reunion with people that I hadn’t seen in a few decades and because I’m from the generation X, we grew up, we were raised in an environment with no Internet and no social media.
Generation X people are a lot less likely to keep up with old friends on social media than later generations and so when I went to this reunion I hadn’t seen or heard from many of these people and at least 20-25 years.
I walked in I was kind of nervous that maybe I wouldn’t recognize anybody. I had kind of a fear that everybody there would be more successful than I was that I would walk around and introduce myself and I would find out that they were all happily married to supermodels and they were making million dollars of be famous attorneys and best-selling authors and superstars but that wasn’t the case.
Long Time No See!
I was walking around talking to people many people having conversations about things that happened a long long time ago I saw this woman looking at me from across the room or a little ways away. I could tell she recognized me but I couldn’t quite recognize her. I read the name on her name tag but I couldn’t remember where I knew her from.
I walked over and started talking to her and at first I was I couldn’t place where I knew her from my I would look at the face of her name we are talking she noticed that I did remember. She said you don’t remember me do you? I said no I don’t I’m sorry. She said well, I don’t expect you would we didn’t really ever hang out I just recognized you and for some reason I remembered you from before.
I said okay and I didn’t feel so bad and so we started talking about our respective jobs and turns out she’s some kind of a doctor she didn’t tell me what kind of doctor but she said she was a therapist so she’s either a PhD or a medical doctor or psychiatrist and so she says she’s been a therapist for 20 years.
Is It Like On TV?
I asked her how that was because the only thing I really know about therapy is what Iv’e seen on TV. There’s the famous Tony Soprano therapist there is that one lady on Netflix played by Naomi Watts who is kind of like an evil therapist to manipulate her clients.
There’s a couple other TV shows about therapy. Therapy is always used in movies as some kind of a plot device to show you the emotional makeup of one of the characters. I always thought the therapy was just all kinds of different people.
She told me that after she did it for five or 10 years she started to realize that most people have the same problems. It’s just of these problems manifest themselves in many many different ways but once you get to the root of their problems you can easily fix them and so I asked her what the most common problem was.
Please Don’t Leave Me
She said the most common problem that people have is fear of abandonment. She said the first place that shows up is from an instinctive standpoint because in ancient hunter gatherer societies a fear of abandonment was important.
People behaving according to the social norms of the tribe and that People always afraid of being left behind so that made them behave in a way that was appropriate for the social norms of that particular tribe.
Later in modern society that fear of abandonment is reinforced because it seems that there is a curious aspect of Western society that says a social status signal is to have a family and a neighborhood where each of your children have their own bedroom. If each of your children have their own bedroom then that means they have to go through a period of learning how to sleep by themselves.
Hard To Test These Ideas
There’s a lot of kind of pop psychology books that teach mothers that the primary function of being a good mother is to train your children to be independent and one way to do that is to teach them how to learn how to sleep by themselves.
The problem though is this creates a reinforced fear of abandonment because every time the child wakes up alone in their room and they cry they have no idea why that’s happening all they know is that there alone and they keep crying for someone to come help them and nobody comes in so that creates the most modern humans this a deep horror of fear of abandonment.
That keeps us from doing things that we want to do. That keeps us from trying new things because we’re afraid we try new things and we fail will get rejected and will be left behind.
Doc, I Keep Having This Nightmare
She said one of her clients of this particularly descriptive dream that really highlighted this deep fear of abandonment and he had this dream for a while but when he came to see her this dream just kind of vanished. The dream was he would wake up in his house all alone his wife would be gone his kids would be gone.
He would go outside. He would kind of get a suspicion that everyone in the neighborhood was gone and then he would notice this kind of distant set of hills and he would have the suspicion that everyone had left and they were on the other side of this distant set of hills.
Then this entity would show up and this entity would be standing right next to him the entity would say:
Sum Of All Fear
You are all alone. Everybody has left you. Nobody wants you. Nobody likes you. Nobody appreciates you. They have been planning this for such a long time because the most important thing in everyone’s life is to get away from you. Right now they are the on the other side of those hills creating new memories, creating happiness, creating love and they purposely left you behind.
That’s when he would wake up he would wake up next to his wife but he would have this horrible knot in his stomach, and he was never quite sure if he was still dreaming or not. It’s like when you have those nightmares and you wake up from the nightmare in your in your own bed but you’re not sure if you’re having a nightmare or you’re not sure if you’re in your own bed but some elements of the nightmare have followed you to reality.
As soon as he came to see a therapist and he described this dream and she explained to him that because of our instincts and because of our common upbringing is modern humans we all have that same fear of abandonment and that’s one of the secrets that she found.
The one thing that will cure your fear of abandonment is to share that with other people that have a fear of abandonment. It’s one of the ways that instincts held ancient societies together because everyone had that same fear of abandonment and everyone knew that everyone else had that same fear of abandonment and that led to this kind of social cohesion this never leave anyone behind to make sure that everyone keeps up.
Once you understand that everyone has this fear of abandonment you can forever leave that nightmare behind.
Mind Persuasion has plenty of books and courses to teach you how to speak hypnotically and persuasively.