How To Develop Presence

Frame And Presence – Same Or Different?

If somebody has a strong presence, it’s generally meant to be a good thing. The idea of presence isn’t always associated with personality, or conversational skills. The idea of having a strong presence can be associated with somebody who just walks into a room.

What Is Presence?

One way to get an idea of presence is to look at how we talk about presence. We say we are “in” somebody’s presence. We even say we are “in” the presence of greatness. An important part of that is the word, “in,” as it describes how we think of presence as an object.

Intangible Noun Theory

Linguist George Lakoff, in his book, “Metaphors We Live By,” described that we use intangible nouns as if they are real objects. And we tend to use them in various categories. We can tell what type of object it is by looking at the preposition before it. And since we use the word “in” somebody’s presence, or “in” the presence of greatness, we think of presence as a container.

Other Object Categories

We go “through” problems, indicating that these are kind of obstacles or hard to travel areas where we have to take our time to go through. We even ask each other about our relationships:

“How is it going with that girl you’ve been seeing?”

Meaning the idea of a relationship partner is a kind of “travel partner,” since we are “going” somewhere. We also ask each other:

“So where is this going?”

There are many categories of objects, and it can help to understand the metaphorical ways we talk about these intangible things, or hallucinations. But since we use “in” with the word presence, we can think of somebody’s presence as a container. One that is around us when we are “in” their presence.

What About Frame?

Frame and presence are highly related, but they are essentially different. A person’s frame is how well they can get their outcome. A generally definition of frame is the meaning of any event. When something happens, and other people are going to find out, the first thing we sometimes ask is, “how are we going to frame this?”

Which means there are good ways to frame something (it’s no big deal, we’ll get over it) and bad ways to frame something (this is a unrecoverable error that will kill us all!).

Sales Discussions

A very common place the idea of frame pops up is in sales discussions. A customer walks into a shop and is just “looking around.” The salesperson approaches them and has an intention, or perhaps a hope, or selling them something and making a commission.

The Strongest Frame Wins

“Strong” is maybe not best word. Perhaps whoever has the most compelling frame will win. Many people walk into shops, not really expecting to buy something, and end up buying something. But they don’t feel overpowered. They don’t feel like they lost a contest. Quite the opposite. Many salespeople make a lot of money because they make the customer want to make a purchase when they were previously just looking.

Frame Is Tied To Intention

However a frame “contest” comes out, it is tied to the intention of the strongest frame holder. Even if the intention is subconscious, it is still an intention. Two dogs fighting over a bone both have the frame of “this bone belongs to me.”

Presence Doesn’t Need Intention

A presence is not necessarily associated with a frame. We can say that having a compelling frame is supported by having a strong presence, but a strong presence doesn’t necessarily need to have a strong frame, or any frame.

Presence Lacks Concern For Outcome

Often, those that have a strong presence are outcome independent. They are enjoying themselves without worrying about what will happen as a result of their actions. There is a certain amount of concern for the well-being of everybody involved, but there is no specific outcome that is desired.

Presence Doesn’t Need External Excitement

Most of us wander the earth looking for things to keep us busy, keep us happy, or otherwise keep us entertained. Those with a strong presence seem to enjoy themselves wherever they go, regardless of what’s going on around them.

They seem to be content with whatever life decides to give them, within reason. They probably wouldn’t enjoy getting eaten by a shark, but if they went out surfing and the waves just didn’t show up, they would still enjoy the experience.

Presence Is Under Control

We can imagine a stereotypical beach bum who never works, and only lives to enjoy the beach. Since they are OK with whatever happens, so long as they aren’t in any pain, they don’t need much. We are concerned with those rare folks who have drive, have ambitions, have relationships and economic success but have also a strong sense of control over their own mind.

These folks decide when to shift into “now” time, and find their situation as interesting as they choose it to be. These folks can compartmentalize their days. Once it’s time to relax, they can relax. If they happen to be relaxing around other folks, they’ll find them interesting.

Presence Includes Strength of Focus

One of the hallmarks of one with presence is their ability to focus on the task at hand. If that happens to be a conversation with a stranger at the bus stop, they will give that person all their attention. This is what is so compelling about those with strong presence. When we talk to them, they give us 100% of their attention. They focus on what we are saying, and ask very specific questions that indicate such. Talking to them makes us feel very important.

Presence Has No Ulterior Motive

Part of having no outcome is not needing to steer the conversation in any direction. If you have ever had an unexpected conversation with one with presence, we feel very comfortable talking about anything, since we don’t sense any hint of an agenda.

Presence Is Very Attractive

People with presence are generally very attractive. Attractive beyond looks, beyond wardrobe, beyond bling. We start talking to them, and we feel good. We associate this good feeling with them, which translates into attraction. Not necessarily sexual or physical attraction, but a general, “this person is really cool, I’d like to hang out with him,” kind of attraction.

Presence Can Significantly Increase Frame Strength

Those charismatic salespeople who easily sell dirt to farmers do so in part due to their presence. They speak to customers with a keen interest in the customers needs. They listen carefully and completely. They ask the right questions about what the customer wants and needs. This makes the customer feel very good. This also makes that good feeling not only unconsciously associated with the one with presence, but with the product as well. This is why with just a little product knowledge and very little overt sales techniques, those with presence can easily make a lot of money in sales.

How To Build Presence

Luckily, there are plenty of things to practice that will slowly increase your presence. It won’t be like a switch, but with consistent practice, you can slowly develop your presence.

Focus Practice

An essential skill of being fully present means being fully present with anybody you choose. Anybody can focus on an interesting subject. It’s a common human trait to be interested in interesting things. But the rare person of presence can control their interest internally. They can maintain focus at will. This is similar to people who will themselves to study and remember difficult subjects compared to those who only study things they are interested in.

Build Your Focus Muscle

Start small. Practice will be boring but essential. Find a information based show on TV or online. Practice watching with as much interest as you can. Will yourself to focus on every word as intently as you can. Like doing pushups, it will be difficult at first, but you’ll increase your strength with consistent practice.

Worry Releasing Practice

It is extremely difficult to maintain presence if your mind is filled with worries. We all have worries. Financial worries. Career worries. Social worries. Relationship worries. The first step is to realize that worrying will not help. But that’s only a tiny first step and on its on not very helpful.

Planning To Worry

This sounds silly, but it’s very helpful. Plan an hour a day to worry all you want. This will give you a bit more strength in putting off your worrying time until later. How do you worry? Worry actively. Spend time writing, or free-noting. This means to write as quickly as you can without concern for grammar.

Spend ten or fifteen minutes brainstorming solutions to your financial concerns. Then fifteen minutes for any social concerns. Not only will this be more effective than worrying, but it be much easier to shut off those worries if you make space to actively worry each day. Choose an hour a day to actively worry, and stick to it. This will train your brain to easily forget worries during other times.

Interest Generating Practice

This is similar to the focus idea, but more specific. It’s one thing to pay attention to something with intensity so you’ll remember it. But it’s something completely different to pay attention to something and be able to actually make yourself become interested in this.

This is very much like doing pushups. It’s boring and difficult at first. But if you use the fake it till you make it approach, you’ll find this to be self sustaining. This isn’t a magic trick where you just “be interested.” This will take time and effort. Clear your head of everything.

Soak up the interest of the person talking about the subject. Put your mind in a state where the subject is interesting. Once you master this, it actually will become interesting. It will slowly take less and less effort or mental willpower to keep it interesting. It won’t ever be as interesting as things that make you naturally interested now, but building up this skill will make life a lot easier.

Emotional Reading Practice

This will be easy, as it will be a byproduct of ditching your worries. Humans have been around for a while. Before we were humans we were lower primates, incapable of human speech. But just like chimps, there is plenty of information available below the level of words.

Most of the time, this is in accessible to us because our brains are filled with worries. But once you clear these out, and focus more intently on the other person, you will see all the information you’ve been missing.

An easy way to practice is to people watch. Make sure you have already started the focused worry practice, so you can more easily shut off your worries. Simply watch people while keeping your head as empty as possible. You will soon see an unstoppable flow of unconscious communication that is always going on.

Conversational Leading Practice

This is a very powerful skill that comes after you learn to emotionally read people. The idea is to let other people do most of the talking. With sufficient skill in building up interest and clearing your head of useless worry, focusing on other people during conversations is very easy.

The trick is to pay close attention to what they are saying (without thinking of what you are going to say once they stop talking). If you match what they are talking about to their emotional state, you’ll soon find it very easy to ask questions that lead them to more positive emotions.

Natural Associations

This is the money part of developing presence. Once you get to the level of letting others do most of the talking, pay attention with genuine focus and attention, and you ask questions that lead to them to a more positive emotional state, they will fall in love with you. They will naturally and subconsciously associate you with those positive emotional feelings.

You will also be unlike anybody they have ever spoken to before. Instead of only paying a normal amount of attention, (while trying to think of something clever or witty to say once they stop talking) you will be giving them your full focus and attention.

Emotional Openness Practice

This is essential but it can be difficult. Most of us are very closed off emotionally. This means it’s hard to show certain emotions. But if you can manage to open up your emotions and resonate with them while they are speaking, they will never forget you.

Practice Feeling Emotions

A good exercise to do is to simply feel and accept your emotions. Start with very simple and safe ones, and work your way up to more difficult ones. Sit down and close your eyes. First feel an emotion. Then feel it without giving it a name. Then feel the energy in the emotion. Then feel that energy as the same energy that is in all your other emotions.

The idea is to see that all your emotions are made up of the same basic energy. Once you get past the good labels, which generally make us seek more, and the bad labels, which make us want to seek less, you can be more accepting of all your emotions.

Takes Plenty Of Practice

This will take a lot of practice, so take your time. But being totally accepting of all your emotions, capable of showing emotions non-verbally will make you very attractive to very many people. Especially if you are showing those emotions as a genuine response to following along as others are talking.

How To Practice

Pick any one of these and get started. Developing presence will make everything easy. You’ll make more money, enjoy better relationships, and turn into a social super star. Give yourself plenty of time, and see this as one of most important daily practices, much like physical exercise. Like anything else, the more you practice, the better you get. The better you get, the more rewards you’ll enjoy.